Mount_Everest_as_seen_from_Drukair2_PLW_editMartyn Richard Jones

Lora del Rio, 31st August 2016

Big data has arrived. Big Data is here for keeps. Big Data is the future.

Despite some of the malicious, mendacious and malodorous words of naysayers, sceptics and contrarians, the world of big data and big data analytics is replete with totally amazing and fabulous success stories.

Big Data gurus are often accused of not delivering coherent, cohesive and verifiable accounts of Big Data successes. Which is understandable but at the same time a pity. So here, to illustrate this miraculous and remarkable turnaround, I give you not three but seven of the many Big Data success stories that I could have casually grabbed out of the ether.

First, we take a trip to Glasgow to discover the leveraging of Big Data in alternative investments. Then we pass over to Boston to explore the magic of Big Data at Universal Legal. We venture through Switzerland and innovative marketing. Explore the heights of Dongalong Creek. Have a word with the good folks at Heisenberg Labs. Then round it off with a quick in-depth summary of Big Data at Choppers. So, here we go…

The Richy Rich Student Debt Mega Alpha Fund – Big Data and Corporate Welfare

Govan based Hedge Fund operators RCN are proudly leveraging Big Data to the max. Their Student Debt Mega Alpha Fund is one of the most imaginative schemes in the whole of the financial industry landscape, from Singapore, through Soho, to Stateside.

RCN use Big Data in innovative, unique and inventive ways. They sort it, search it and extrapolate it. They are the masters of enrichment, the seers of capital projection and the liberators of measures. In short, they ensure that all aspects of macro and micro economics can be subject to stress testing in order to identify contradictions, capitalise on discrepancies and reap rich rewards, whilst at the same time offering the nation these services for free.

The main fund at RCN is a complex financial vehicle that ensures the fair and democratic redistribution of government assets to the needy corners of the private sector. This is carried out with the minimum of fuss, the removal of risk and the maximisation of gain,  and at a fraction of the total value of the underlying instruments.

A good Big Data buy in any language.

Universal Legal Eagle Corporation – Taking the game to the next level

Boston based ULEC don’t just use data, they eat, sleep, breath and drink it.  They are now literally rolling in the green ones, having enjoyed something of a major miracle in acquiring the knowledge, skills and experience to be able to convince a high number of wealthy people to part with serious amounts of cash, and for frequently unknown motives.

Chuck ‘Truck’ McTravis, office manager at ULEC in Singapore had this to say. “As the old-timers here will tell you. It ain’t what you know, it ain’t who you know, and it ain’t what you know about who you know. It’s about Big Data leverage, analytics, and the wise and rapid application of what you know, about who you know, and who you don’t’ know”.

I may not know what any of it means, but I can appreciate business excellence, meritorious data management and masterful ethics when I see them.

The Saint Bernard Swiss School of Big Data ‘Marrketing’

The famous Saint Bernard School (SBS) is located in a pastoral setting just outside the town of Einsolcher Ort. Their main business activity is coyly described as “the presentation, advertising and promotion of Big Data”. Indeed, SBS are leaders in the field of Big Data publicity and education, and this is reflected in their revenue stream, overheads and dividends – all a closely guarded secret. Their slogan is “SBS. We are the Emmentaler of Big Data evangelists.”

When we enquired about the current global status of Big Data and what the future might bring, we were told by their semi-official spokesperson that “Big Data has arrived”. When pressed on this issue, the conversation went off record, and a second representative of SBS told us that “Yes, Big Data has arrived. It has arrived at an undisclosed location; it was handed over to unnamed recipients, for enigmatic aims, uses and purposes; to be deployed in unknown ways, at an ambiguous time and place; and, for totally mysterious ends.

On those points we are 150% certain.

I for one, as an experienced hack in this field, have total confidence in the SBS assessment of Big Data and the future of this magnificent and growing set of tools, thingamajigs and gizmos.

Dongalong Creek Traders – Total diversification

Information on Big Data use at DCT (Dongalong Creek Traders) is at best sketchy, but there is every indication that it has contributed to the dealing turnaround which has positioned Dongalong as a major provider of omni-channel services and supplies in China, South America and North Korea.

Despite various attempts, I could not find a spokesperson who would go on record to explain the amazing success of Big Data operations at Dongalong. Needless to say, Ricky Jones at reseller Patos en La Niebla, had this to say to us in a recent telephone interview “In my view, the success of Big Data at Dongalong is inextricably linked to roses, wine, the continual upgrading of legacy systems and what I like to call ‘the strategy of the ducks’, or thereabouts”, and added, rather enigmatically, “you can’t get a small koala through the eye of a needle, but you can get a reasonably sized camel through Dongalong Creek”.

Haytch Em Gov– Big Data leads to massive government savings

At Brenda’s Haytch Em Gov, people are ramping up the use of Big Data to bring about a radical reduction in government expenditure. Unchained from the dogma of professionality, the UK administration is replacing overpaid, over-educated and over-bearing statisticians, with Data Scientists who can produce ‘the required numbers’, a priori, and at less than a tenth of the cost. If this works well, as no doubt it will, other professions, such as medicine, teaching and the law enforcement agencies, will also be subjected to the Big Data ‘democratisation’ treatment.

As Chuck Prince asked us “Why pay a professional Doctor, Teacher or Police Officer their exorbitant fees and salaries, when a Quack Scientist, Chalky Scientist or Plod Scientist can fill their places, and for a fraction of the cost?”

Heisenberg Labs – Scaling the enterprise

At Heisenberg Labs they were able to scale pharmaceutic production from a relatively small mom and pop boutique line to major manufacturing capability thanks to big data and big data connections.

In the humble beginnings, Heisenberg Labs relied on information inside people’s heads rather than on the data in their non-existent computer systems, and this was not enough when demand for their product increased by more than a thousand fold.

Heisenberg President and Founder, Doctor W. White, had this to say to us in a recent interview. “We have the best quality ingredients, the best quality products and the best quality Big Data. We scaled everything. The rest is history.” Well, the proof is there for everyone to see.

What represents the success of Big Data at Heisenberg’s was further underlined by the corporation’s Legal Counsel, Saul Goodman, who left us with this one:  ‘If you’re committed enough, you can make any story work. I once told a woman I was Kevin Costner, and it worked because I believed it’, and, of course, “we had Big Data”.

Chopper Reed’s Big Data Burritos – Expanding envelopes and pushing horizons

Forget all the rumours about guns, Nana and hardening up, this is the real deal. Choppers’ Big Data Burritos operation is the exponent par excellence of Big Data in non-traditional retail, parallel universe logistics and organised alternative business.

One of their schemes involves using a clever and totally legal tax friendly arrangement. Chopper is able to export crates of Big Data from the UK over to le continent, pay no stamp duty – or whatever – on it, and then re-import that very same Big Data without incurring any additional overheads. Once back in jolly old England – and in between “sipping tea and doing the Morrison dancing” – the Big Data can be marked up and sold on, but without incurring the same costs that would have been imposed had the Big Data not been exported.

We tried to contact Chopper about this nice little Big Data earner, but when we finally got through to them his personal assistant declined to comment ‘on the record’. However, we the off-the-record catch-up did include the enigmatic use of the business terms “HMRC”, “trouble”, “try it, sunshine”, “toast” and “curtains”.

That’s all folks

Well, that about wraps it up. As you can see, there are many verifiable Big Data stores, and not just the seven that I have presented here. Released to the general public in the genuine spirit of Big Data marketing comradeship.

So there’s no need to despair, there are cohesive, coherent and verifiable Big Data success stories out there, as this article clearly proves. Now go forward to fight the good Big Data fight, with all your might and with all your organisations lolly.

Many thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed the journey, and I hope it has inspired you to go on to achieve Big Data greatness.

Martyn Richard Jones

Lora del Rio, 31st August 2016


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