Category Archives: Uncategorized

12 Amazing Big Data Success Stories for 2016

22 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by in 4th generation Data Warehousing, Big Data, Big Data 7s, Big Data Analytics, Consider this, Data Warehouse, Data Warehousing, Good Strat, Good Strategy, IT strategy, Martyn Jones, Martyn Richard Jones, The Big Data Contrarians, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , ,

 

If this piece tickles your fancy, then please consider joining The Big Data Contrarians on LinkedIn:

https://www.linkedin.com/groups/8338976

Every year I ask myself the same question. Will there be any tangible, coherent and verifiable Big Data success stories in the coming year? Every year I come up with nothing. Nothing at all. “Sorry, no rooms at the Big Data Success Inn, as we are closed for vacations.”

However, this year things are different. More positive, more alive and more fantastic.

As you can probably guess, I am well excited to be able to reach out and tell you about the twelve amazingly fab Big-Data stories that will appear during the course of 2016. The year of the incredible, startling and awesome Big Data monkey.

To this end, and as this is a magically special occasion, I have made an extra-special effort to deliver the goods, to do full justice to the task, and to go that extra Big Data kilometer for my demanding readership.

So, I gazed into Madame Frufru’s crystal ball, I opened up the kimono with the Ouija spirits of Von Neumann, Babbage and Jobs, and I pushed the envelope in the vast disruptive solution-spaces habited by Ada Augusta, Audrey Tautou and Jennifer Saunders… and, I came back with the best of the best.

I only hope it was all worth the blood, the sweat and the tears.

So, here for your veritable delight and salutary entertainment, I give you the twelve remarkable Big Data success stories of 2016.

Big Data leads to massive government savings – 2016 will be the year in which right-thinking, common sense and pragmatic governments around the world will leverage Big Data to bring about a radical reduction in government expenditure. Unchained from the dogma of professionality, administrations will replace overpaid, over-educated and over-bearing statisticians, with Data Scientists who can produce ‘the required numbers’, a priori, and at a tenth of the cost. If this works well, as no doubt it will, other professions, such as medicine, teaching and the law enforcement agencies, will also be subjected to the Big Data treatment. Why pay a professional Doctor, Teacher or Police Officer their exorbitant fees and salaries, when a Quack Scientist, Chalky Scientist or Plod Scientist can fill their places, and for a fraction of the cost.

Big Data clamps down on gum chewing in Singapore – Radical Polymer masticating criminals are the bane of the upstanding street-walking citizens of Singapore. However, in 2016, this will change. Why? Because Big Data will be used to identify, track-down and apprehend gum-chewing, sidewalk spoiling and anti-social spearmint-breathed offenders. Yes, capital punishment for such offenses may seem harsh, but remember, if Hadoop says it is a heinous crime, especially if it’s backed up by expert social media opinion, then it must be right.

Big Data solves the Climate Change conundrum – Following the amazingly successful climate talks in Paris this year, 2016 will herald in a period of fantastic adjustment in how climate change is seen, measured and addressed. No longer will Climate Change it be seen as a threat or a problem, but as a seriously good opportunity for market capitalism in general, and Big Data in particular. Measurement of temperature changes will no longer be made, but massive Big Data technologies will collect climate change opinions from global social media, and that will be our unique guide to the actual effectiveness of the fight against things ‘getting too hot’. Big

Data will lead the way, and factor 10,000 sun blocker and super-mega walk-in fridge-freezers, will follow.

Big Data helps put Real Madrid back in the top tier – The BBC* might not like it, but Big Data will triumph in sport in 2016, thanks in the main to its innate ability to help Real Madrid win the Champions League, the Spanish League, and the Spanish King’s Cup. Even though the mighty-whites have already been eliminated from the last of these competitions (for fielding a Big Data player who was under a match ban). Okay, so Big Data can’t get it all right, but no one is perfect.

*Bale, Benzema and Cristiano.

Big Data knocks out Data Warehousing – In 2016, Big Data will finally put Data Warehousing to bed. It’s been on the cards for a while now, but in 2016 it will be proven beyond any shadow of doubt that the best input into strategic, tactical and operational decision making are massive concatenations of simple word counts, done on a vast array of what people are now describing as commodity hardware. Commodity hardware, to distinguish it from the other hardware that we were using up until now, which was also confusingly termed ‘commodity hardware’.

LinkedIn publishes its first ever Big Data success story – Incredible, but true. In 2016, LinkedIn will get its resident Big Data guru, data master and influencer to document a tangible, coherent and verifiable Big Data success story. It will matter not a jot that it is a knock-off plagiarism of a late nineteen-ninety Data Warehousing partial success-story, as it’s the thoughts, and not the facts, that count.

Queen Brenda inaugurates the Lady Di Memorial Big Data Lake – During 2016, HRH will inaugurate the former Windermere Lake as the new Lady Di Memorial Big Data Lake. Millions of subjects will hail this as a clear success story for Big Data and for Britain. The inauguration day will be slightly marred (no pun intended) by a gushing Big Data guru being told to beggar ‘orf by none other than Phil the Greek.

Big Data housing becomes an issue of significant importance to the EU – Because of the incredible speeds amazingly valuable Big Data is being created at, the EU will move to take measures to capture and more importantly store all of this new Big Data. There will exist an existential realization that none of this life-giving Big Data should be lost or compromised, or both. Chancellor Merkel has already come out strongly and offered to take much of the generated Big Data in 2016, which will be housed in both public and private premises. For example, each German household will be asked to house volumes of Big Data based on the size of the family abode, the internet bandwidth and the number of smart phones im haus. France and Spain will follow suit, but with modestly reduced quotas. The UK will spend most of 2016 trying to opt out, and will even threaten a Big Data Referendum if the onus on them to take so much Big Data is not radically reduced. So, in net, a win-win for Europe and Big Data.

The CIA will be charged with custodianship of all Big Data success stories – During 2016, together with the custodians of Fort Knox, the CIA will be charged with custodianship of all tangible, coherent and verifiable Big Data success stories, and only those who should know, and can handle the power of information, will have access to the files. This will be done to avoid information of global importance from falling into the hands of evil-doers, delinquents and busy-bodies. This is a success story because it will demonstrate once again a truly tangible, coherent and verifiable Big Data success story. The Head of the FBI was unavailable for comment.

Big Data solves world issues – For years we have struggled to see the elephants in the global room. Now with the help of Big Data, not only will we finally be able to see them, but also we will have a key component of the solution within a click of the mouse and a rapid stroke of a smartphone gesture. Yes, hunger, poverty and the refugee crisis can all be identified in 2016, thanks mainly to Big Data. What’s more, if we get the political will to do so we can also think of ways of partially, or wholly, fixing those problems. Although admittedly that is a ‘big ask’ of Big Data, especially in one enormously hectic year, where the focus of attention will be mainly on the UEFA European Championship, the Olympics and the war on terror. Now if that isn’t a Big Data success story then I really don’t know what is.

Big Data success stories to top a million by the end of 2016 – Thanks to a global and socially responsible market-driven initiative to reclassify Microsoft Access and Microsoft Excel as Big Data repositories, the number of Big Data success stories for 2016 will amazingly exceed a million, and that’s just in Milton Keynes.

Democratic Elections replaced by Mega-Democratic Big Data Social Media Mining – Sick and tired of having to turn out to vote every four years? Tense, nervous pre-election headaches over not being able to think, weigh or decide? Worry no more. Thanks to advanced social-media mining techniques, from 2016 the election of politicians will be decided not by you – least not in the legacy way – but by a broad interconnected raft of machine learning, sentiment analysis and other data science gizmos – guaranteed 100% democratic. This is what we have all been waiting for. The end of old fashioned and boringly DIY-democratic elections, and the heralding of a brave new world of online interactive social-media politics. Don’t look at it as the trivialization of democracy, the puerility of post-modernity and the throwing away of centuries of fights for civil and human rights, look upon it as being real progress – progress with a capital pee.

On the other hand, what 2016 might really herald might just be The Golden Age of Big Data Bullshit.

Let’s wait and see.

Thank you so much for reading.

 

Also, if you are of a mind, then please join The Big Data Contrarians on LinkedIn:

https://www.linkedin.com/groups/8338976

 

 

 

 

 

Big Data: And the hype played on

10 Thursday Dec 2015

Posted by in 4th generation Data Warehousing, Ask Martyn, Big Data, Big Data Analytics, business strategy, Good Strat, Good Strategy, goodstrat, IT strategy, Marty does, Martyn does, Martyn Jones, Martyn Richard Jones, Strategy, The Amazing Big Data Challenge, The Big Data Contrarians, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

MARTYN RICHARD JONES

In spite of the best-efforts of Hadoop evangelists, consulting houses, and IT infrastructure and service vendors, Big Data – hailed as the greatest thing since the dawn of greatest things – is failing, and dramatically so, to produce the necessarily corresponding quantity and quality of tangible, detailed and verifiable success-stories.

So, given the dearth of Big Data success stories, why are so many in the industry still banging on with troll-like insistence about the ‘indisputable’ relevance, importance and universal applicability of Big Data?

Seen from where I stand, and I don’t think I am particularly unique in this respect, a lot of arrows are pointing towards a quieter future for Big Data, one where it has far more limited use than was once imagined, a data niche rather than a data driven all-encompassing market-based revolution. But obviously not everyone is sharing that view, at least not ostensibly so.

The fact of the matter is this. That in spite of what the good people at the prestigious house of Gartner have been saying, the Big Data hype-cycle is far from over. In fact, we have entered what might be crudely yet accurately described as the golden age of Big Data boloney.

When I survey the Big Data landscape and see companies, organisations and individuals continue to bang on the Big Data drum like as if it was going out of fashion, it’s quite embarrassing. Acutely so. Even for someone who isn’t participating, either actively or passively, in the Big Data dog and pony bestiality-show.

So, what’s happening with the Big Data in-crowd? Words were coming to my mind, words such as overcompensation, projection, doublethink, denial, delusion, social, awkward, wacky correlation and non-existent causation. But none of these were entirely satisfactory. Lacking, as they do, in conveying any sort of coherent, tangible and credible explanation of the continuing and burgeoning Big Data hype phenomena.

Then it dawned on me. Black tulips.

Industry players and Big Data pundits are inexplicably engaged in what is at best a zero-sum game, and at its worst has clear parallels with the hubris, wilful ignorance and  greed which lead to the last major global financial crisis and also has nasty parallels with the dot-com bubble.

So, the next time you are reading a gushing puff-piece on Big Data take this advice to heart. Instead of thinking about the author as a friendly adviser, think of them as an unqualified, unregistered and unregulated financial adviser who is trying to flog you something that they probably don’t understand and that they have no idea how to value – remember, all they are thinking is in their ‘commission’.

More to the point, don’t go repeating the same talking points as if they were facts you can take to the bank, when you yourself are unsure about how reliable those ‘facts’ might be.

Stated simply. There is very little which could be more suspect than an announced global revolution in Big Data, a revolution that is accompanied by a dearth of tangible, detailed and verifiable success-stories. So take good note of what is really going on.

If someone deceives you once, it’s their fault, if they deceive you twice it’s your fault. If you then go on to ‘do unto others what has been done unto you’, then expect to be rightfully derided and decried.

Be professional, be on the side of the angels, and do the right thing. In the longer run you will thank yourself for your wise choices.

Many thanks for reading.

The Big Data Contrarians at 1000

07 Monday Dec 2015

Posted by in Big Data, Cambriano, Consider this, Good Strategy, goodstart, goodstrat, Martyn Jones, The Big Data Contrarians, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

,

First things first. The Big Data Contrarians (“a hype free Agora for Big Data dialogue”) is now a community of over one thousand professionals.

Since its LinkedIn group registration on the 1st of July 2015, the Big Data Contrarians has grown to become, without a shadow of doubt, the nicest, friendliest and most well informed Big Data group that you will ever come across in your entire life.

The Big Data Contrarians is a community of professionals who enjoy talking about data, statistics, analytics, data-centric applications, ideas, opinions and insights.

The Big Data Contrarians is a great place to contrast ideas about data. It is a group that passively encourages discourse. Especially discourse that comes with a touch of humour, a hint of disbelief and a delightful bouquet of subtle cynicism.

Also, no data, analytics or visualisation related subject, for as tenuous as the relationship might be, is out of bounds. This is a forum by professional adults for professional adults, with all its attendant facets and all that this implies. Indeed, who knows what the next topic of conversation will be on The Big Data Contrarians forum. But here’s some ideas:

  • We may call it Big Data, Smart Data or Small data, but in reality isn’t the only intrinsic quality of data is in its being and in its symbolism, if indeed it has any?
  • If data were a religion would Big Data be a craven image, a sect or a schism?
  • Does ascribing qualities to data, such as Big, Small or Smart, places us at risk of outdoing the degrees of anthropomorphism of some pet lovers?
  • To be a Big Data guru, is it necessary to know the difference between Hadoop and Spark?
  • Did Big Data hype fall off the radar because it’s gone, or did Big Data hype turn ‘pro’?
  • How do we measure the qualitative and quantitative value of data?
  • Do we really need The Big Data Contrarians community?

After four weeks of the group’s existence, I wrote a piece for Data Science Central (July 23rd, 2015), in which I itemised some of the reasons why I believed that The Big Data Contrarians groups was necessary. Those reasons were:

  1. To alert people to interesting but ultimately dubious Big Data claims
  2. To share lessons learned, good sense and practical data and Big Data principles
  3. To connect professionals in overlapping disciplines, for example, in statistics, data architecture and data management, project management, solutions architecture, database administration, data science, risk management, technical, management and executive management roles, and a long list of etceteras.
  4. To educate, inform and entertain each other about the practical world of data and Big Data
  5. To weigh up the pros and cons of data technologies and techniques applied to solving business challenges
  6. To minimise the hype surrounding Big Data, covered in part by the first item, but more so
  7. To engender critical thinking, healthy scepticism and reasoned contrarianism

I genuinely believe that those reasons are as valid now as they were then. Perhaps even more so.

So, to get back to basics, I will leave you where I started.

The Big Data Contrarians. Is quite simply the best Big Data community on the whole wild-wild-wild internet, anywhere? Yes, anywhere. The Big Data Contrarians is an amazingly great data community that promotes inclusivity, interaction and coherence in data, statistics, analytics and Big Data discourse.

Anyone who is anyone in Big Data and data is a member of THE BIG DATA CONTRARIANS, either now or in the near future.

So, don´t be left behind. Join today. Be the Big Data smarty amongst your Big Data party.

Many thanks for reading.

 

Join The Big Data Contrarians: https://www.linkedin.com/groups/8338976

Big Data Predictions for 2015: What happened next?

07 Monday Dec 2015

Posted by in Big Data, Big Data Analytics, business strategy, Good Strat, Good Strategy, goodstrat, IT strategy, Martyn Jones, Martyn Richard Jones, Strategy, The Amazing Big Data Challenge, The Big Data Contrarians, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Towards the end of 2014 I gazed into the amazingly incredible crystal ball called Good Strategy, well known and admired by the readers of the Good Strat Blog, and made some predictions about Big Data for the year to come. The year of the goat. As I write now we are reaching the end of the wonderful year of 2015 – an anno quite-allrightus. So, equipped with good cheer, emboldened by the thoughts of passing the vacations with loved ones, friends and family, and heartened by my impending (albeit temporary) demobilization, I have decided to look back at my predictions of a year ago, to see how accurate or mistaken they ‘have become’, and to share those reflections with you.

But first a joke from Stewart Lee:

“People feel like they’re defined by where they live, where they’re from. Americans, for example, are very proud of being from America. I used to love the Americans, but I went off them last year, the Americans, because of them all ganging up on the bloke from BP. Do you remember? All the Americans picking on the bloke from BP about that oil slick. It seems unfair, doesn’t it, given that America is the largest consumer of oil per head in the world and they seemed annoyed with the bloke from BP for merely trying to provide them with the oil that they craved. Americans, picking on the bloke from BP. It’s ridiculous. It’s like a furious customer punching a prostitute in the face because he’s sickened by his own desire.”

Prediction: The value of the big data economic universe will reach 125 trillion EUR

What I said: Amazing? But true. The Big Data economy of 2015 will make the industrial revolutions – with the attendant inventions, innovation and progress – look like a jaded walk in the park.

“The actual figure of 125 trillion EUR comes from market research specialists Aunt Dolly and Company, and it extrapolates the financial stats and economies of scale of three major Big Data players, namely Crock, Shlock and Barrel.”

What happened next: As we know, the value of the Big Data economic universe did not in fact reach 125 trillion EUR during 2015. This was due to a number of factors. Firstly, the year coincided with elections in Argentina, Spain and Myanmar. Secondly, we have had the Climate Change COP OUT in Paris. But most importantly, the rise of the BBC and the MSN has drawn a lot of attention away from the Big Data market. BBC being Bale, Benzema and Cristiano of course, and MSN being Messi, Suarez and Neymar. All in all, these factors have held significant sway.

Bottom line analysis: It looks like 2016 will be the year for Big Data.

Prediction: People will show amazingly less inhibition about using and sharing other people’s data.

What I said: That’s right, you read it here first. Big Data 2015 will herald an inflection point in the casting off of anti-social and anti-market and anti-consumer constraints that burden the sea-change renaissance that Big Data will undoubtedly deliver.

What happened next: In spite of the best will of the consummate consumers amongst us, the government high-ups decided that exposing ourselves to all sorts of data vagaries was not in our own self-interests, and as they know better, well, there was no argument to be had. The industry balked, the leaders simply hardened their stance, bolstered their measures and started looking at even more anti-trust and taxation laws.

Bottom line analysis: There has been more personal data available for commercial use, but nothing like as much as the ‘we want it all’ companies would like.

Prediction: Machines will learn to take decisions based on Big Data

What I said: You read it here first. In 2015, machines will learn to support the decisions of the ‘right-thinking people’ and their ‘right-thinking orthodoxy’ by leveraging Big Data to the max.

What happened next: A lot of nonsense was written about this, along with a lot of other Big Data nonsense. Very little of which actually turned out to be true.

Bottom line analysis: It’s always good to throw machine learning into the mix. It makes it appear that we actually know something about data, logic and cognitive psychology, even if we don’t.

Prediction: Everyone will be doing it

What I said: Just like everyone in the whole known world possesses a smart phone, internet connection, Facebook, Twitter and YouTube accounts, so too will this unstoppable momentum mean that everyone who is anyone will also be doing Big Data.

What happened next: Damn you, Dan Ariely. Thank you for nothing for bad mouthing my predictions, scuppering my musings and mining my ambitions. Especially with evil Facebook messages such as “Big data is like teenage sex: everyone talks about it, nobody really knows how to do it, everyone thinks everyone else is doing it, so everyone claims they are doing it…”

Bottom line analysis: Things will definitely change in 2016, when everyone really will be ‘doing it’. That’s a ‘keeper’ too.

Prediction: Big Data will democratize skills and demonetize property

What I said: Do you look up to the demigods of Big Data evangelism? Do you want access to all the prohibitively expensive and costly published opinion, business and technical tomes on Big Data? Are you exasperated by not being able to fulfil your Big Data potential? Do you want instant skills?

Well, fret thee no more, dear reader.

In the year of the goat everyone who wants to, will be able to become a Big Data guru, Big Data whizz or Big Data big cheese. As I have explained elsewhere (7 New Big Data Roles for 2015) there will be a plethora of new roles and responsibilities in what will be a burgeoning 125 trillion euro Big Data economy.

What happened next: None of the above happened. Well, at least not in 2015.  But at least Athletic Bilbao turned in some star performances.

Bottom line analysis: Milton Keynes will become the cradle of Big Data civilization. Mark my words.

Prediction: Big Data will explain the meaning of life

What I said: If we all hoard all of the data that crosses our paths, and then unite this data in a Universal Big Data Repository – a database so very large it will make the data that the Large Hadron Collider people collect seem like mere grains of sand in the Sahara desert – we will surely, with the aid of big data science, big queries and the mastery of grown-up ‘equations’, discover at last the mystery of the world and the meaning of life.

What happened next: Nothing! It didn’t happen, right!  I am not going to make up excuses for the slight deviation in this prediction. Things just happen. But if things had happened differently then we might have been right. So do not despair. All is not lost. Those who fight then run away, will live to run away another day.

Bottom line analysis: So, don’t bother me about this! Talk to the kid… But, remember. He’s not the Big Data Messiah, he’s just a very naughty boy.

Prediction: Businesses and organizations will find previously untapped big data talent

What I said: By the end of 2015 there will be 4.4 billion people employed around the globe in big data management and analysis roles (see 7 New Big Data Roles for 2015). Yet this will not be enough to carry forward over to 2016. By the end of next year more than 1200% of businesses across the pond will have big data strategies in place or will be planning their 3rd and hopefully the most successful iteration of Big Data, according to a survey conducted by my Aunt Dolly.

What happened next: Things didn’t pan out entirely as I thought. I can only put it down to some bad info I received from some Big Data duffer living in a caravan just off the A1. This is what happens when you try and pay for inside information with a few slap-up lunches at the Greasy Spoon Café.

Bottom line analysis: It will definitely come in next year. Absolute favourite at Ascot. So, I am assured.

Prediction: Data equation tools will dictate the market

What I said: In 2015 there will be a mass of new launches of specialized software designed to use equations with data, making it easier for us to do complicated math, beyond subtraction, addition, multiplication and division.

What happened next: Yet another prediction that I got spot-on. Now we can build the equivalent of a Big Data Texas Instruments calculator for the fraction of the cost of sending a space mission to Mars, there’s no stopping us.

Bottom line analysis: This is the rule that proves the Big Data exception.

 

So, there you have it. These have been my Big Data predictions for 2015, and the ‘what happened next’ come back. Which can be aptly summed up by this fabulous quote from Big Data Master, Peter Cook, who famously said:

I saw an advertisement the other day for the secret of life. It said “The secret of life can be yours for twenty-five shillings, sent to Secret of Life Institute, Willesden.” So I wrote away, seemed a good bargain, secret of life, twenty-five shillings. And I got a letter back saying, “If you think you can get the secret of life for twenty-five shillings, you don’t deserve to have it. Send fifty shillings for the secret of life.”.

 

Please join over 1000 members, including the spirit of Pete and Dud, in the biggest, bestest and nicest Big Data Community on the world wide web.

The Big Data Contrarians on LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/groups/8338976

The banality of Big Data hype

05 Saturday Dec 2015

Posted by in 4th generation Data Warehousing, Big Data, Good Strat, Good Strategy, Martyn Jones, Martyn Richard Jones, Rant, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Nauseated by the non-stop crap, railroading and bullying tactics from a reduced group of snotty little techno bastards? Disgusted by the crass propaganda, crude instrumentalisation and fetid boloney from the likes of Bernie, Vinnie, Spats and an attendant entourage of snake-oil merchants and  brain-dead sycophants? Sick and tired of the amazing, incredible and fabulous velocities, varieties and volumes of  Big Data bullshit washing the decks of the SS LinkedIn? Well, be sick and tired no longer. Here is the antidote!

Some interesting Big Data facts to think about this weekend.

I. More Big Data bullshit has been created in the last couple of years, than in the entire history of humankind.
II. Big Data bullshit will grow faster than ever before, in spite of what Gartner say to the contrary.
III. By 2021, if the mega-trending nonsense does not go unabated, there will be 40 megabytes of Big Data bullshit created for every living woman, man and child, every sixty seconds.
IV. Also, in 2021 the accumulated digital universe of Big Data bullshit will grow from 8 spartabytes to 22 marrsabytes.
V. Every second people are thinking about creating new Big Data bullshit. For example, 20 million search queries alone (per minute) are generated with the sole intent of creating even more Big Data bullshit. This is set to grow to over 100 thousand brazilian bulslhit queries per year by 2020.
VI. Every minute an estimated 280 hours of Big Data oriented porn is uploaded to the ‘next greatest thing since sliced bread and butter pudding‘ network.
VII. By 2017 over 1 trillion Big Data bullshitters will be connected via Facebook.
VIII. Facebook usage by Big Data bullshitters will make the current social media scene look like a walk in the bullring.
IX. In 2015, an astounding 1 million trolleyloads of photos were uploaded to the web every single hour of the day. By 2017, nearly 80% of photos taken will include a cameo by one or more smartass Big Data bullshit artist.
X. This year, over 4 billion smartass Big Data bullshitters will be shipped – all packed with communication devices capable of collecting and communicating all kinds of Big Data bullshit, not to mention the Big Data bullshit the amazing Big Data babblers create themselves.
XI. By 2020, we will have over 8 billion Big Data idiot savants (overtaking sentient and rational human beings).
XII. Within five years there will be over 5 billion Big Data smartasses connected in the world, all developed to collect, analyze and share Big Data bullshit.
XIII. By 2020, at least a third of all Big Data bullshit will pass through the bullshit cloud (a network of Big Data bullshit servers connected over the Big Data bullshit Internet).
XIV. Distributed Big Data bullshitting (performing Big Data bullshitting tasks using a network of computers in the cloud) is very real. Google uses it every day to involve about 10 Big Data bullshitters in answering a single search query, which takes no more that 0.2 weeks to complete.
XV. The Hadoop Bullshit Ecosystem (open bullshit software for distributed bullshitting) market is forecast to grow at a compound annual growth rate 299,258% surpassing $111 billion by 2021.
XVI. Estimates suggest that by better integrating Big Data bullshit, we could save as much as $300Bn a year on smoking, drinking and having a wild time. That’s equal to reducing costs by $1000000 a year for every person on earth.
XVII. The White House, who first recognized Big Data as the bullshit it is, has already invested more than $200 in big data bullshit projects.
XVIII. For an archetypal Fortune 1000 company, just a 10% increase in data accessibility will result in more than $650 billion additional net income.
XIX. Retailers who leverage the full power of big data could increase their operating margins by as much as 36,660%
XX. 173% of organizations have already invested or plan to invest in big data bullshit by 2099.

Many thanks for reading. Think about it. I hope you get the message.

The Digital Document Lifecycle

01 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by in data architecture, Data governance, data management, ECM, good start, Good Strat, Good Strategy, governance, Management, Martyn Jones, Martyn Richard Jones, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

The Digital Document Lifecycle

MARTYN RICHARD JONES

To begin at the beginning

This is a story of the life of a digital document. Its purpose is to explain the process of analysing, designing, building, testing and delivering content rich business artefacts in today’s digital age.

Continue reading →

Big Data with BIG SMILES

23 Monday Nov 2015

Posted by in Big Data, Big Data Analytics, Business Intelligence, Cambriano, Data Supply Framework, Martyn Jones, Martyn Richard Jones, Methodology, Process, SMILES, Strategy, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Having got your attention I would like to introduce you to a pragmatic, real-world and business centric approach to Big Data and Big Data Analytics. When I say that this is the best approach to Big Data you are ever likely to find in the whole universe and in your entire life, I am still significantly understating the magnificent utility, timeliness and the here-and-now facets of the approach. Continue reading →

What can data warehousing do for us now?

22 Sunday Nov 2015

Posted by in Banking, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

A makeover for big data, analytics and everything

Welcome to the new kid on the block, same as the old kid but sharper, tougher and even more relevant to business than before. Who can it be, what do we call her and where does she live?

Well here’s a surprise. The newcomer is none other than the 4th generation of Enterprise Data Warehousing. Ready and prepared to elevate Big Data, Analytics and an accompanying wealth of must-have data accessories to the dizzying heights of value-adding, business-changing and stakeholder-pleasing usefulness, utility and usability.

Read the full article on the IT Circus blog hosted by IT World: http://www.itworld.com/article/3006473/big-data/what-can-data-warehousing-do-for-us-now.html 

Big Data: 10 truths, 10 myths and 10 unwise things

17 Tuesday Nov 2015

Posted by in 4th generation Data Warehousing, Ask Martyn, Big Data, Data Warehousing, Information Management, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

StartSMILESMany people come up to me in the street and beg me to write about the truths, myths and unwise things said about Big Data. I am offered gifts of goats, partners and riches beyond the dreams of avarice just to pronounce on such things. I am not in the habit of bowing to such street-pressure, but I have finally come round to doing something, if only to placate the river of rose-petal bearing infants’ tears flowing past my abode.

Big Data is for everyone

Continue reading →

Is LinkedIn Worse Than Facebook?

17 Tuesday Nov 2015

Posted by in Martyn Jones, Professional Networking, Social Media, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

To begin at the beginning

I know. I know! Who the hell poses a question like that? Is LinkedIn Worse Than Facebook? Who can say? Or, as my great auntie, Werner von Braun might have said, “If you are dumb enough to ask such a question, then you will surely be too stupid to understand a credible answer”.

I have seen it a lot over the years, perfectly irrational people posing perfectly cogent and simple questions, and then not being able to answer those questions themselves. It is good to see logic and good sense prevail, even if the observables are marginally more surreal than mundane.

Now me. I quite despise the whole Facebook shtick, but because so many of family, friends an acquaintances use it, I feel almost compelled to be there, even if in spirit only. It doesn`t help either that some of the founders of the social media biz had and have such goddam awful personalities, scummy little twerps for which adjectives such as nasty, mean-spirited and ruthlessly exploitative don’t even begin to give one a good picture.

But, do I think that LinkedIn is worse than Facebook?

A bit like your favourite grandma telling a very rude joke, the number one reason is quite simple. Just as no one expected The Inquisition, so no one expects LinkedIn to be worse than Facebook, and when the realization hits the fan, it’s even more alarming, because in no small part, it’s so unexpected. Whereas when it comes to Facebook, no one expects any better, so it doesn’t disappoint, at least, not to anything like the same degree.

Students of Seneca will realise straight away that this is the case, and even understand why it’s such a more disappointing experience to be mugged by social media that seems to be used by professional and ethical people like us, which creates a false sense of security and an expectation that quite often results in serial disappointment and disenchantment.

But, clearly this is not going well.

I can tell I´m not getting far with the angle I adopted for this piece. I know that because I tried this approach at a consulting gig quite recently at a theatre in Barcelona, and although a small part of the crowd quickly got what I was trying to convey, albeit they were an intelligent and radical underground, the majority just looked at me, like a happy-pack of expectant puppies waiting for the magic word. Therefore, I expect you are doing the very same thing right now.

Am I right, or am I right?

I probably have a flawed, jaded and perhaps overly-severe notion of concepts such as professionalism, ethics and quality of life, an outlook that also finds resonance in my views on professional social media and online networking, and those who plumb these depths.

Everyone can lie, cheat, misrepresent, trick, fool and befuddle, but I prefer to think that as professionals we could also do the same, in our own interests, but that we consciously chose not to.

Which is why I am appalled by those self-styled professionals who go out of their way to give misleading, erroneous and harmful advice on a wide range of subjects. When this happens down the pub it’s to be taken with a huge pinch of salt. When people use what is ostensibly taken as a serious professional networking site and experts’ platform to deceive, beguile and scam those who know no better.

What about the motivational advice that will drag peoples’ moral down to the level of their shoe laces?

What about the leadership advice that will get people into hot water and possibly get them fired?

What about bamboozling bullshit babblers who use their faux-expertise to railroad the susceptible, gullible and impressionable into committing, time money and effort to embrace crack-pot ideas and embrace untenable projects?

What about the detritus that glibly sells delusional bullshit and harmless fantasy as liberation, career-advancing and life-changing?

Why is it that economic power, military power, matchless arrogance, wilful ignorance and cultural imperialism go hand in hand?

Take another look yourself if you don’t believe me. Look at the leadership pieces, the motivational pieces, the life-style pieces, the sports pieces, the cracker-barrel racist, sexist and classist shit flogged as legitimate political opinion. Dig deep. Embrace thought and reason. Learn or hone critical thinking. Then you too will be able to ask the searching questions, if you aren’t doing so already. Get in there and ask! What is this bullshit? How the hell am I going to speak with my boss, me partner, my children, etc. like that without really losing out? Why is Big Data for everyone? Why should I care about IoT? What in the name of Sam Adams is my personal data doing on the Cloud? What the fuck do those who live cocooned in their self-imposed ‘Culture of Contentment’ know about my problems, my difficulties, my family, my family and friends, my community and my world?

Is there anything else?

However, not all is lost, and you can continue in the world of social media without exposing yourself to any nasty surprises. The solution is easy. Either do not partake or set your expectations very low, especially in the case of the hype and bullshit infested networks.

Still don’t see it?

In that case, just ask yourself this question: what was better, the Black Death or the bubonic plague?

All it now needs are for the music to come in and the credits to roll, European art-house cine style, as I leave with a “there you have it”.

There you have it. A blog piece that not only reflects on the levels of triteness, opportunism and boring nature of a pseudo-professional and achingly postmodern web site, but a representative piece that also tries to embody all of that banality, manipulation and awkwardness in less than one thousand words. I hope that this piece provided some food for thought, if nothing much else.

Many thanks for reading.