Data warehousing stands in the way of  progress

Narrator: Let us start with a softball question, the kind even your granny could knock out of the park.

How does business describe the value it gets from being able to access and analyse fresh quality data in order to decide what is strategically, tactically and operationally preferable in the future of the business?

What do Pete and Dud think about that?

Dud: They are saying that data warehousing is dead and has no value, Pete.

Pete: Do they indeed, Dud?

Dud: They do, Pete. In spite of your non-standard round-about question, they do. They say that it stands in the way of progress.

Pete: And who are “they” then, Dud? The “they” of which no one should speak? The “they” of those who should be obeyed? The “they” of They? Or, the “they” of as thick as you-know-what, Jethro Tull ditty?

Narrator: Dud gives Pete a deep and knowing stare.

Pete: And twice as nasty?

Dud: Oh, no, nothing quite like that. Just some vociferous and ill-informed geezers I met down at the train station.

Pete: You do get around don’t you?

Dud: You know. What’s his face? You know? That Nobby Piles and his gang of short-attention-spanner wide boys from the Data Markt. They were down the station, loitering with intent, again. Necking top-dollar wine out of lead crystal decanters, with Jägermeister chasers.

Pete: Drinking wine out of decanters, eh?Tell me more!

Dud: Yeah, well. They were right in front of the main entrance of the station. Where they sell the fags, books and newspapers. Like weekend high-class down and outs. Aristocratic slobs or Yahoo Yobs. Shabby chic and ostentatious grunge to the max.

Pete: Dud, do not kill the piano player with the message or throw the bath out with the baby water.

Dud: Oh, come on, Pete! You know Nobby. Shall I give you a clue?

Pete: Oh, no! Not that Nobby of the Crepe Suzette gang?

Dud: Yeah, well, just how grossly and extravagantly contrived can they get?

Pete: Just when you think that the universe couldn’t take any more of their nonsense, Dud, what do they do? Yes, Dud. They bloody exceed expectations! That’s what they do.

Dud: Clapped-Out Gemini versus Worldly-Wise Sagittarius, Pete. Clapped-Out Gemini, what are they like? Clapped-Out Gemini. Ye gads! The bonkers cult of buzzword dribblers, bandwagon-chasers and crazy-paving data architecture and management-by-mooching-about bods.

Pete: A gang, as thick as thieves and as dense as mensch, that’s what they are. Here are the ones that purposefully and dutifully worship the unknown magnificence of a species of data mash; the systems integrators’ version of data mush; that thing, that aberration, which “must be obeyed”, Dud. Yet conversely, never to be fully or even partially understood. Never mind implemented or evaluated.

Narrator: Pete pauses and peers into the middle-distance. Oxford style.

Pete: “For data smesh, get data mesh”. Instant data to the proles, just add water.

Dud: Blimey! You cannot be too careful where you put your kit these days, Pete. You could catch a nasty data rash or something.

Pete: No, no need to worry, Dud. As I said all along, “No context. No content. No insight. No worries.”

Dud: I suppose not, Pete. I like that summary. Cuppa tea?

Pete: Got any of that magically spiritually and physically uplifting Vadham’s Summer Assam black-tea stuff in a bag?

Dud: I do, indeed, yes I do.

Narrator: Dud, cups his right hand over his right ear.

Dud: Hark! Hark! I hear the plaintive call of the whistling kettle gadget thingy calling us home! To safety, reassurance and comfort, Pete.

Pete: Any port in a storm, Dud.

Lessons Learned: If anyone talks about standing in the way of progress you can bet that this is probably what they are standing in the way of. It looks hypocritical. Probably it is. But it’s not an edifying sight.