Martyn Richard Jones

San Martiño de Bandoxa

15th April 2020




A new ebook about Agile, AI, data, deep learning, IT, machine learning and more.

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Move over big data hubris and data lake stupidity there’s a newer, thicker and far bigger arsehole on the block. And it goes by the unbelievably idiotic name of data lakehouse. It is being hailed as a new paradigm but is, in reality, a naive, dishonest and disruptive fraud. So what’s occurring?

The gutter-snipes, hustlers and useless pundits who failed to make big data and data lakes the success of the 2010s have set their vulture-eyed sights on data warehousing. It’s not smart, it is not funny, and it does no one any service.

So, what in the name of Sam Hill makes these snake-oil merchants engage in this crass, irresponsible and reckless nonsense? And why do they insist on targeting data warehousing?

Why? Because it is their unique differentiator. And snake-oil merchants are, well, snake-oil merchants. And because these pundits have placed so much faith in big data technology that they simply can’t let go. Big data technology is their comfort blanket. So, they are using a new angle to try and flog technology very few people need. To solve the challenges that they don’t have. And using data that has no intrinsic value. Clearly, they understand the technologies even less than they understand the issues and opportunities that need to be addressed. And they certainly don’t understand the data.

Anyway, these jokers will be sure to fail again as they have failed so miserably in the past. Because physics is physics and facts are facts and sows ears will never be silk purses. No matter what the bullshit magic-quadrants, the virtuous-circles or the hype-cycles say.

However, “Yes, they say. A data warehouse is all very well for structured data, but what about all of that unstructured data and semi-structured data that companies have?” Dudes! We have Textual ETL for that! And guess what, in decision making and relevant data terms? Your most valuable data is still in your operational systems. If that isn’t highly structured, then heaven knows what your operational systems look like. But, seriously, the big guys analyzing unstructured data as part of their business model are very few and far between. And most others don’t need it. And you can take that to the bank.

Then again, some folk fret about data, technology and brands. Like as if data warehousing can’t hack data related to brands? And you’d need Spark, data streaming from social media and the Hadoop ecosphere to make that magic sauce work. But here’s the rub. All this talk about the importance of brands, online interactive advertising and understanding sentiment is bullshit. Or as Bob Hoffman put it “You’re passionate about BRANDS? Dude, get a f***ing girlfriend.” So, data lakehousers, you’re poor losers on that point too.

Seriously, folk. I wish I could have a good word to say about data lakehouses and their proponents, but I don’t.

The lakehousers’ genuinely imprudent ideas about data architecture, engineering and management have been resurrected from the remnants of yellow elephant and its dodgy ecosphere. And again the big data twits are targeting data warehousing to take it down and replace it with their poor, absurd and ultimately unimplementable vision of a data dystopia. But still, one more time, in their ignorance, arrogance and lack of depth, they are wrong

You see, there’s a big difference between data warehousing and the data lakehousing.

Data warehouses are what business demands, analysts formulate, architects design, engineers build and project teams deliver. They are made in the real world, as a response to practical requirements and they provide tangible business benefits. It’s a coherent, rational and well-engineered approach to providing data to support decision making.

On the other hand, data lakehouses (like the big data and data lake tripe that preceded it) is what management consultants design, build and deliver. Using PowerPoint slide decks, inflated invoices and incoherent explanations.

The concept of a data lakehouse is a vague, sloppy and incoherent construction in the minds of flimflam artists. In essence, I mean, just look at the proponents. It’s smoke, mirrors and voodoo data management concocted by the mindless purveyors of vapour-ware. It’s a whole series of pipes, promises and black boxes that all hide the “magic” and “enchantment” of the solutions. But, in reality, they are not built in the real world by anyone who knows the real world. And hopefully, they will die in the business netherworld of disgrace, ignorance and misery. Together with the aspirations of the ignoramuses that pimped them. That is, before some moronic jackasses in the business IT world try to adopt them.

That’s the difference. Put it this way, data lakehouse users are from Uranus and Mars, and contemporary data warehouse users are from New Jersey and Chicago. Real people versus the fantasies of viral space cadets.

I guess what I most detest about the data lakehouse folk is that they appear to be utterly ignorant of the subject matters at hand. And even more so? Supinely and unashamedly mendacious, insincere and duplicitous in how they go about schlepping their wares. 

There, I said it!

I hope this is only about “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.” The alternative would be a damning indictment of an essential part of the IT industry.  

But, I digress.

Today we have the architectures, methods, technologies and products to make 4th generation data warehousing work and work very well. We have sound solutions templates, roadmaps and blueprints for data integration and full coverage of reporting and decision support. We can even support contemporary statistics and statisticians, as well as Rubbish Shop, Poundland and Weatherspoon’s data scientists and whatever they get up to. If they have the strength, wit and knowledge to get up to anything.

So, to cut to the chase. Here’s a message to the data lakehouse and big data jesters. Your garbage didn’t work, isn’t working, and won’t work. Your meter is running on empty, you are out of dimes and your parking ticket is being prepared. You are not convincing anyone worth convincing. You are not making a constructive, coherent or a valuable contribution. Your big data bullshit keeps on coming, but there’s no one at home to take delivery.


Because data warehousing is evolving, not because of big data, Hadoop or anything that came out of that half-baked ecosphere. It’s changing because of seriously significant advances in the technologies and products that there are to support real enterprise-class data warehousing. Together with marked improvements in the licensing fees, up-front costs and costs of ownership. And these developments are removing the impact of significant constraints, barriers and dependencies in the real world of data warehousing.

So, go away, data lakehouse fools, and let the professional, knowledgeable and experienced adults in the room deal with the actual data integration, architecture and management issues. The real business challenges, real opportunities and the things that matter. And not the self-absorbed, pretentious and unservable dreck that you guys use to muddy the waters.

So, I’ll leave you with this. To paraphrase Mel Brooks, “If I were the data king. I would declare that from now on, and all through the land, that data lakehouses be known as bullshit lakehouses.”

Thank you for reading.

About the Author

Martyn Jones is among the world’s foremost authorities on data integration, modelling, architecture, management and privacy. In the early eighties, he defined and built some of the first Information Centres in Europe at Sperry Corporation. They were classic Inmon data warehouse architectures and met with a lot of success.

Martyn’s 2020 book, Laughing@BigData, offers a refreshing insight into contemporary IT and data.

Martyn blogs at and can be contacted at