Brussels 7th June 2019

Martyn Richard Jones

By all accounts Hadoop is heading down the pan and bits of big data are not that far behind.

But should we rejoice?

In a way I might be saddened by the demise of Hadoop, okay not that saddened, but although I have not been its greatest fan… okay, I did setup the Big Data Contrarians group on LinkedIn and have given big data and Hadoop the occasional drubbing on the website, I think that it deserves to live. In order, and excuse my French. Pour encourager les autres.

So here is my contribution to the unofficial save hadoop campaign, Ten magnificent actionable items that will improve the customer experience, brand commitment and passion for data, which will then form the basis of the learning journey for the next best thing since sliced-bread, and it will save Hadoop too.

The Ten Actionable Item Approach to Saving Hadoop and Big Date

  1. Data gets rebranded to Biggest Stats – thereby circumventing ugly truths and data protection legislation.
  2. Hadoop gets upgraded to Hadooq and 360° view is replaced with a modified steradian perspective.
  3. All bugs and architectural flaws in Hadooq must be referred to as normal undocumented features of Agile enabled technology.
  4. Robert de Niro to be named as official global ambassador for Hadooq.
  5. The little yellow elephant gets taken out back and disappeared and is replaced by a massive orange badass llama named Lucky.
  6. All Hadooq development gets moved to Dallas, Minneapolis–Saint Paul, Philadelphia, Las Vegas and Mansilla de las Mulas.
  7. The guys who schlepped big data fake-news and snake-oil around the houses get slapped with antisocial behaviour orders.
  8. Carrying concealed big data to be made a crime in San Francisco, an obligation in LA and a minor misdemeanour in London.
  9. Corporations must be able to clearly demonstrate how they are offsetting Biggest Stats CO2 emissions. This will be effectively policed by some kids in a school in Stockholm.
  10. All Hadooq development teams to have unlimited access to pizza, Belgian chocolate and beer.

There you have it.

Many thanks for reading.

This is Martyn Jones of the good strategy company

Until next time…