Dans ce pays-ci, il est bon de tuer de temps en temps un amiral pour encourager les autres – Voltair

My gran used to tell me that honesty pays. Of course, she never really understood banking or IT, probably because she didn’t really want to know anything about them. She never lived to witness the amazing hype circuses, hear the spin-doctors mendacious spiel or partake in the focus-group dog-and-pony shows of the 21st century. Indeed, if honesty were a guaranteed payer my gran would have amassed more wealth than Warren Buffet would.

If my gran lived today, she might reflect on what Big Data might be about – maybe she would even consider it benignly, as a sort of shelter for fallen men of uncertain virtue. Unfortunately, I will never know, so I can only speculate. So onwards and upwards, eh gents?

The Harvard Business Review talk of honesty in somewhat different terms:

“Honesty is, in fact, primarily a moral choice. Businesspeople do tell themselves that, in the long run, they will do well by doing good. But there is little factual or logical basis for this conviction. Without values, without a basic preference for right over wrong, trust based on such self-delusion would crumble in the face of temptation.”

In a marvellous book, A few good from Univac, David E. Lundstrom narrates the story of Sperry Univac in the 1960s, one of the true great innovators in the first forty years of IT, and includes an allegory taken from the engineering front-line. I will recount it here, edited to highlight the zeitgeist, for your entertainment and as Voltaire put it, as a lesson to others

In the beginning was the Big Data Plan.

And then came the Big Data Assumptions.

And the Big Data Assumptions were without form.

And the Big Data Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Data Workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves, saying: “Big Data, is a crock of shit, and it stinketh mucho”.

And the data workers went unto their Data Supervisors and said: “This here Big Data is a pile of putrid keech”, for they were from Govan, continuing, “and none may abide the odour thereof.

And the Data Supervisors went unto their Information Managers, saying: “Big Data is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the Information Managers went unto their Directors, saying: “This here Big Data doodoo is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another: “Big Data contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him: “This new Big Data will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company, with powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Big Data Plan, and saw that it was good.

“But?” I hear you say, “why fight it, why not take advantage of the Big Data zeitgeist?”, “Why not cash in on the grand bonanza Big Data bandwagon?” or “Monetise the 3 three famous Vs of Big Data?”

Well, it had crossed my mind, briefly, and (outside of the USA) we’ve all done stuff we have not entirely believed in, so the temptation to cash in is present,capisci? This paraphrasing of a piece from My Blue Heaven might give you a better idea:

One of my best friends makes his living as a completely phony Big Data Scientist. For two hundred quid, euracos or bucks he can make you a Data Scientist or a Big Data guru. Some guys give you an education but this guy gives you immediate access to high paying jobs, sex with whomever you want (so long as its legit) and as much Charlie you snort a hooter at. Sum-sum, a standard of living that would make the ‘256 trillion Shades of Blah Blah Blah’ blush.  What could be better than a life in Sin City, the Big Apple or a small town in Germany?

Moreover, for an extra 250 quid (limited time offer) you can also become a certified Big Data Neuro Trainer, which will allow you to do unto others what has been done unto you.

I also considered Big Data Brokerage, Big Data Certification and Big Data Independent Trading (New York – Paris – Peckham). The opportunities are immense.

However, what happens when the Big Data well runs dry, and I and many others get tarnished with the mark of the Big Data beast, turning us by complicity, collusion or simple association into the Big Data pariah dogs that we truly would have become?

That question I will leave for another day. But, just consider the following.

I am a big long-time fan of comic genius Mel Brooks, who in my view has an innate knack of capturing deep insight from the human condition, especially when the human condition is off guard, supercilious and shallow. In that vein, this is how I like to think the dialogue from the Dole Office scene from The History of the World Part Two would have gone, if he were to write that today:

Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?

Data Magnus Comicus: Stand-up Big Data scientist.

Dole Office Clerk: What?

Data Magnus Comicus: Stand-up Big Data scientist. I coalesce the vaporous data of the conditioned human-interaction with social-media networking, Internets of Everything, and the always-connected experience… into… a viable, analytical and meaningful predictive-comprehensive whole.

Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a Big Data bullshit artist!

Data Magnus Comicus: *Grumble*…

Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit Big Data last week?

Data Magnus Comicus: No.

Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to bullshit Big Data last week?

Data Magnus Comicus: Yes!

Finally, I leave you with some wise words from Israeli American professor of psychology and behavioural economics, Dan Ariely:

“Big data is like teenage sex: everyone talks about it, nobody really knows how to do it, everyone thinks everyone else is doing it, so everyone claims they are doing it…”

Many thanks for reading.

Please remember that my door is always open on this and other data, business, management and strategy issues.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, and if you wish, connect on LinkedIn and elsewhere – my twitter account is @goodstrattweet

Please consider joining The Big Data Contrarians on LinkedIn:https://www.linkedin.com/groups/8338976

As always, please share your questions, views and criticisms on this piece using the comment box below. I frequently write about strategy, organisational, leadership and information technology topics, trends and tendencies. You are more than welcome to keep up with my posts by clicking the ‘Follow’ link and perhaps even send me a LinkedIn invite. Also, feel free to connect via Twitter,Facebook and the Cambriano Energy website.

For more on this and other topics, check out my really old posts:

7 New Big Data Roles for 2015

Data Made Simple – Even ‘Big Data’

Big Data is Dead!

Why Destructive Eagerness? The Data Warehouse Example

Big Data and the Vs

Did Big Data Kill the Statistician?

Infotrends 2015: 21 Directions in Information Management

On not knowing Climate Change

Big Data Robitussin – Big Data: Read all about it!

Absolute certainty…

Mugged in Data Hell

#2016 #BigData #Predictions #IT #Forbes.com #BuggerOffBernice #UpTheMightyVilla #ComeOnYouBaggies #HalaMadrid #AupaCordoba #Athletic #Oeoeoeoe