Data warehousing stands in the way of progress?

“Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.”

Plato

Narrator: Let us start with a softball question. The kind that even your granny could have knocked out of the park.

How does a business describe the value it gets from accessing and analysing fresh quality data to decide what is strategically, tactically and operationally preferable for the future of the industry?

It’s not a trick question, but a tricky one that is as hard to grasp and come to terms with as a mightily greasy piglet with a very questioning tail.

What do Pete and Dud think about that? Get ready kiddies. Let’s take a peek…

Dud: Eh, Pete! I don’t want to worry you, but they say that data warehousing is dead and has no value, Pete.

Pete: Do they indeed, Dud?

Dud: They do, Pete. Despite your non-standard round-about question and all that, they do. They say that it stands in the way of progress. The very progress that progress consists of.

Pete: And who are “they” then, Dud? The “they” of which no one should speak? The “they” of those who should be obeyed? The “they” of They? Or, the “they” of as thick as you-know-what, Pete? That’s a Jethro Tull lyric, by the way.

Narrator: Dud gives Pete a deep and knowing stare.

Pete: And twice as nasty?

Dud: Oh, no, nothing quite like that. I met some vociferous and ill-informed geezers at the train station’s main entrance.

Pete: You do get around, don’t you?

Dud: You know. What’s his face? Him, you know?

Pete: No, I don’t, Dud.

Dud: You know, that Nobby Styles clown and his gang of short-attention-span wide boys from the east-end Data Markt?

Boys from the data barrows?

Pete: No, sorry, Dud. I’m still not getting it.

Dud: They were down the station, loitering with intent. They were necking top-dollar vino de jour out of crystal decanters from Lidl and followed up with Jägermeister chasers.

Pete: Knocking back top-notch wine straight out of decanters, eh? There goes Jessie James riding on a bike!Classy or what?Tell me more!

Dud: Yeah, well. They wereright in front of the main entrance of Dortmund station. Where they sell the fags, books, porno mags and newspapers. Like weekend high-class down and outs. Aristocratic slobs and yahoo-Henry yobs. Shabby chic, preposterous vulgarity and ostentatious grunge to the max. Total decanters! All of them.

Pete: Dud, do not kill the piano player with the message or throw the bath out with the baby water.

Dud: Oh, come on, Pete! You know Nobby. Shall I give thou a clue?

Pete: Oh, no! I just twigged it.

Narrator: Pete shows again why he is considered the prince of sarcasm.

Pete: Not that Nobby? Nobby Pyles of the Crepe Suzette gang?

Dud: Yeah, well, just how grossly and extravagantly contrived can they get?

Pete: Just when you think the universe couldn’t take any more of their nonsense, Dud, what do they do? Yes, Dud. They bloody exceed expectations! That’s what they do.

Dud: Clapped-Out Gemini versus Worldly-Wise Sagittarius, Pete. Clapped-Out Gemini, what are they like? Clapped-Out Gemini. Ye gads! The bonkers cult of buzzword dribblers, bandwagon-chasers, crazy-paving data architecture, and management-by-mooching-around bods.

Pete: A gang, a motley crew, as thick as thieves and as dense as ’mensch’, that’s what they are. Here we present to you in glorious technicolour the ones that purposefully and dutifully worship the unknown magnificence of a species of data mash, the systems integrators’ version of data mush; that thing, that aberration, which “must be obeyed”, Dud. Yet conversely, never to be wholly or even partially understood. Never mind charted, implemented or evaluated.

Narrator: Pete pauses and peers into the middle distance—Oxford University style.

Pete: “For data smash, get data mesh”—instant data potato to the proles. Just add water and boloney.

Dud: Blimey! You cannot be too careful where you put your kit these days, Pete. You could catch a nasty data rash or something.

Pete: No, no need to worry, Dud. As I said all along, “No context. No content. No insight. No worries.”

Dud: So, does data warehousing get in the way of progress?

Pete: Yes and no, Dud. It depends on how you look at it and from where you are looking at it from.

Dud: Alright.

Pete: If you are looking at it from the perspective of data warehousing getting in the way of business progress, then no. It’s not getting in the way of progress.

Dud: Interesting.

Pete: But, if you are looking at it from the perspective of who is trying to replace data warehousing with some voodoo data architecture, management, technology and analytics combination, then yes, it does stand in the way of these people and their aspirations. It hinders their progress because their substitute solution is tremendously flaky and untried compared to evolutionary data warehousing.

The people who really stand in the way of progress fail to grasp the sense, advantages and value of what they are attempting to smear.

Dud: I suppose, Pete. I like that summary. A very end of Summer summary.

Cuppa tea?

Pete: Is there any of that magically and spiritually uplifting Vadham’s Summer Assam black tea stuff that you can cook in a china teapot?

Dud: I do, indeed, have some of that. Yes, I do.

Narrator: Dud cups his right hand over his right ear.

Dud: Hark! Hark! I hear the plaintive call of the whistling kettle gadget thingy calling us home! To safety, reassurance and comfort, Pete.

Pete: Any port in a storm, Dud.

Dud: It’s not port, Pete. It’s tea!

Pete: Titter you not, Dud!

Lessons Learned: If anyone talks about standing in the way of progress, you can bet that this is what they are standing in the way of. It doesn’t look terrific. Probably it is. But it’s not an edifying sight.