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“Half the time she did things not simply, not for themselves; but to make people think this or that; perfect idiocy she knew for no one was ever for a second taken in.”  Virginia Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway

It’s all very well for the blithering Big Data bullshitter savants to now claim, after a massive exercise in u-turning, that Big Data isn’t after all about data volumes, velocities and varieties, but about some minor variation on the theme of data architecture, management and processing.

But, look at the mess!

These Big Data bullshitting gurus don’t seem to realise the damage they have done, and the damage that is still being inflicted.

Just look at ’em! Go on, I dare you!

Their reckless, improper and self-interested promotion of bullshit, half-truths and fabulation is like kryptonite to valid, cohesive and coherent innovation.

The Big Data charlatans’ big lies about Big Data have led far too many people to believe things that are simply not true, and in doing so, have witlessly created yet another avoidable crisis of confidence in the IT industry and those who work in it.

Indeed, Mister Goebbels would be proud of how the wide-boys and gurus of Big Data have adopted and improved upon his big lie technique.

Yes, it may be true that for innovators, Big Data as a technology has served them well. But these are innovators with niche technology needs that are not seen in 99% of other businesses. There are very few going concerns with anything like the same specialised data processing technology as Google, YouTube, Facebook or Twitter.

Next up are the early adopters. Now many here have seen their dreams turn sour, as the reality hits that Big Data technology is not a simple answer to their lack of competence in fields such as data integration, analytics or data warehousing.

But it didn’t matter, because they were just experimenting. Much in the same in the same way that spending pocket money on porn and prophylactics will serve to disprove Dan Ariely’s theory about Big Data being like teenage sex. Yeah, that’s right. “We’ll show Dan we mean business. Okay, lads, you’re your socks! Shopping trip to Tesco Superstore!” It’s going to end in failure or rejection, but it doesn’t matter, it’s only chump change and immaturity is a good excuse to make mistakes and to learn.

But the facts about niche innovators and the experiences of early adopters don’t seem to be having any influence over the next adoption segment, which is even larger. That of the early majority. What we are in the process of constructing is, not a great solution to business needs, but a massive train crash waiting to happen.

What we are now seeing is the Big Data Titanic of boloney moving effortlessly toward the massive kick-ass Big-Data iceberg of painful reality. The trouble is, Big Data bullshit has created so much inertia in the marketplace, that it’s now neigh on impossible to stop the mega-barmy SS Boaty McBoatFace and the rest of the rum Big-Data sotted fleet in its trajectory, and in so doing, to avoid the inevitable disaster.

So probably our only hope now is to mitigate the damage, ready the lifeboats, alert those in immediate danger and to encourage others to think hard and long before they too drink the Big Data Kool-Aid and embark on an oceanic journey of Big Data discovery, dysentery and disillusion.

Last, but not least. Maybe we could seat the worst of the Big Data blaggards in the stocks. In the centre of the digital village. For twenty or sixty minutes. There, to experience a barrage of quotes from their own rotten propaganda. All broadcast live on Sky News, or somewhere as equally and fittingly dismal.

Well, it’s a thought…

Many thanks for reading.

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