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Martyn Richard Jones

Hello, readers.

Before my Aunt Dolly went to a better place she received a handwritten letter from her dear friend and long-time admirer Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling, which was to be passed on to the CEO of, what he called, an interweb professional dating site. My Aunt Dolly didn’t actually give me a precise indication of the intended recipient, this is why I now find myself at a loss. If there’s anyone out there who recognises the person or persons this letter might have been written to, then please let me know. Many thanks in advance.

What follows is Sir Arthur’s text, as relayed to me by my sainted Aunt Dolly.

Dear Mister Def Archibald Quengler,

We’ve never met, and we probably never will, and I don’t much like the cut of your jib, but, I would like to take this opportunity to draw your attention to the demise of a once burgeoning professional dating site where decent chaps and chapesses and an assortment of pathetic likeminded individuals could share likeminded individual things. Such as pictures of cats, sexist crap, professional resumes, tips and tricks, insightful comments, ‘me too’ inanities, hype, boloney, mendacity, political detritus and even worse religious detritus.

Personally, I blame it all on the lack of national service and the bloody parents… oh, and the bloody teachers, too.

Anyway, I am writing to you in the tepid hope that your amazing and absolutely fabulous online concern does not fall victim to the same malaise.

You may have heard of the once significant, successful and utterly sensational BlankedOut web setup, it was a so called professional link-up site for pros, or some such dreck.

I am reliably informed that people loved BlankedOut, just a bit, and that they also hated it even more. Many people said to me “BlankedOut is the Facebook of the crass and dim-witted wannabe class, and apart from some minority exceptions, it is a gushing channel of crap and a conduit of intense mediocrity.” But, not being aware of the game, I was in no position to make a judgement. I will leave that for others.

BlankedOut has been variously described as “a place where capital interests took us for a ride”, and where members were generally treated as hapless schmucks, captive clowns and useful idiots, and that according to the observers on the hustings, they did it in such a way that people lapped up the ride.

My distinguished colleague Mister Bernice Hill, PhN observed that, as a role model for a Big Data and Big Data analytics company, that BlankedOut “sucked, big time”.

He went on to state “It sucks from top to bottom, from left to right, and around the whole global enchilada.” Bernice was tough, a hard-hearted man, and he had a way with words.

The former judge Sir James Beauchamp, also didn’t hold back when he stated “From its obtuse, obnoxious and incessant promotions of sponsored rancid ‘content’ to its insipid, trite and fatuous love-affair with its god-damn-awful Effluence®s and fawning sycophants, BlankedOut stood as a shining internet beacon of manipulation, exploitation and hypocrisy.” I seem to recall a certain Barnie Puddle as being one of the mendacious and manipulative of the Effluence®s. But, whatever, as the young people are want to say these days

So, you see. I knew bugger all about the matter of these sorts of high-class professional career-oriented pimping sites, past or present. But now, and you may call me an incurable romantic, when I look upon the history of the deceased BlankedOut community, as dead as a Norwegian blue, what I see is something that leads my thoughts to visions of a massive work of misuse, abuse and deception. Which is not a good omen.

Of course, alternatives to BlankedOut existed, but they were ascetically professional and did not venture much into the wild-side of vulgarity, populism and cant. They stuck to their core competences, like troopers, and trusted their clientele to be just as serious, decent and professional as they were. More fool them, what?

But not so, at poor, dead and despised BlankedOut, lying in a state of disgrace, like some sort of dead pisshead society on a pyre of burning nothing.

So, Mister Def Whiner, heed my word, don’t let your business turn into yet another BlankedOut. If ever there was one, an abject lesson in snatching failure from the jaws of success.

Carpe diem, man, carpe diem!

So, I just have this to tell you, and I will say it only once. Good will to all women and men and all of that.  If you are still an admirer of what was that dreadful BlankedOut business model,,, then, bugger off and take your bloody dogs with you!

Yours sincerely,

Sir Arthur Greeb-Streebling

Admiral of the Grand Fleet, retired

Well, nothing much to add from me. Sir Arthur seems to have said it all. Although, I would still like to know who this letter is supposed to have been written to, because try as I might, I can’t track down anyone who goes by the name of Mister Def Archibald Quengler. That stated, the next time I am in Palma de Mallorca I will ask my Aunt Dolly, now that she is in a far better place and has more free-time on her hands.

Next week I will be looking at financial scams that concern greenhorns, their parentages and protectors, culture establishments, incongruous financial arrangements, the government and more importantly, the police and the judicial system.

Stay tuned.

Many thanks for reading.

Many thanks to Stewart Lee, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, for being such great inspiration.