A bespoke-suited “Global Futurist” has finally solved the healthcare crisis. Put away your bandages, ignore the fourteen-hour wait times, and definitely don’t bother funding the nurses, because the only medicine the collapsing system needs now is an actionable synergy dashboard. God help us all.

Gideon Pivot-Paradigm, Global Head of Stating the Obvious Through Algorithms

Berlin, Tuesday 2nd June 2026

RIGHT! LISTEN TO ME! You’ve got these absolute charlatans, these bespoke-suited snake-oil salesmen floating around on corporate networking sites, publishing little essays for other bespoke-suited vampires to applaud. I read one today by a bloke—let’s call him Bartholomew Sparr, a “Global Futurist.” A futurist! That’s not a job! A futurist is just a bloke who owns a crystal ball but went to business school!

And the thing about Bartholomew, you see, is he’s written this piece promising to turn “Data Overload” into “Strategic Clarity” in healthcare. Because, of course, if you go into a crumbling local hospital right now, where there’s a queue of seventy-four ambulances snaking out into the dual carriageway, and a bloke in the corridor trying to set his own broken leg with a rolled-up tabloid newspaper, you don’t think, “They need more doctors, don’t they?” You think, “Do you know what the real tragedy is here? Data overload.”

It’s exactly like when the world’s most famous unsinkable luxury liner was going down, isn’t it? Just as the icy waters of the Atlantic were rushing into the lower decks, you can imagine some 19th-century management consultant in a top hat standing on a lifeboat going, “The problem here, Captain, isn’t the iceberg. It’s that we haven’t leveraged our drowning-metrics into an actionable synergy dashboard!”

An actionable… synergy… dashboard. Bartholomew Sparr. Bartholomew. Sparr.He says, and this is written down, he typed this with his own human fingers, looked at the screen, and thought, “Yes, that’s the stuff”, he says we need “Strategic Clarity”. Strategic. Clarity.He wants to deploy artificial intelligence and machine learning to revolutionize the medical field. He wants to optimize… the patient… pathways. Because when a terrified eighty-year-old woman is sitting in a waiting room for nine hours with an undiagnosed galloping superbug, what she really needs, what will truly bring her comfort in her final moments, is the knowledge that her suffering has been seamlessly integrated into an enterprise-wide data lake. An enterprise-wide… data lake. It’s a lake. But it’s made of data. And it’s enterprise-wide. He’s very proud of that. Bartholomew is. He probably got his wife, let’s call her Belinda, to read it. “Look, Belinda. I’ve solved the hospital crisis. I’ve told them to use computers.”

IT’S A CON! IT’S A MASSIVE, STEAMING CAPITALIST CON! These people don’t know what a hospital is! They think a hospital is a factory that produces ‘wellness KPIs’! If Bartholomew Sparr ever saw an actual human spleen he’d try to connect it to the Wi-Fi! They sit in their glass offices in the financial district, sipping ethically sourced macchiatos, telling exhausted nurses on fourteen-hour shifts that they need to “upskill their digital literacy!” I’LL UPSKILL YOUR DIGITAL LITERACY, BARTHOLOMEW, WITH A ROLLED-UP KEYBOARD STRAIGHT DOWN YOUR—

And you see the absolute arrogance of it, don’t you? He’s offering them “impact dashboards” to track real-time insights. Dashboards! As if a nurse is driving a family saloon car and just needs to check the oil. “Oh, look at the dashboard, Doctor, the mortality light is flashing red, we better shift into fourth gear and apply some AI.” They don’t need a dashboard! They need bandages! They need a government that doesn’t treat the health service like a car boot sale! But no, Bartholomew says the answer is predictive algorithms. Algorithms that can predict when a patient will get sick. We already know when they get sick, Bartholomew! They get sick when they can’t afford to turn the heating on! You don’t need a supercomputer to figure that out, you just need a pair of eyes and half a conscience!

Half a conscience. But he doesn’t have that, does he? Bartholomew Sparr. Futurist. He’s a futurist. He lives in the future. Which is convenient, because in the present, he is entirely useless. He says we must turn data into outcomes, fast. Actionable… outcomes… fast. Like diarrhoea, Bartholomew? Is that an actionable outcome, fast? Because that’s what this article is. It’s verbal diarrhoea. It’s a man using 600 buzzwords to explain that he doesn’t want to pay taxes to fund nurses; he just wants to sell a software package to the Health Minister. A software package that will crash the first time someone tries to prescribe paracetamol. Bartholomew Sparr. He’s looking for strategic clarity. Well, I have some strategic clarity for you, Bartholomew. I have some… strategic… clarity. Stop writing. Just stop writing. It’s just exhausting, isn’t it? It’s exhausting having to pretend these people mean anything.

Many thanks for reading.