There has never been more interest in extreme equations and fabulous formulas than there is today.

We are on the cusp of an extraordinary revolution in every-day analysis of data, items and things. And leading the charge is the mighty double-headed megatrend-busting digital-hydra of data calculations and information recipes.

This evolutionary revolution, my friends, is going to be big. Very big.

So why is there such a fantastic amount of fabulous interest in equations and formulas everywhere we look?

First, let’s take a look under the hood. What exactly are we talking about here?

Extreme equations: this fantastic invention was made in the late 2010s by Al Gebra, Mat Haitch, Xena Yentob and Bob Rekorde. In an old Pizza Hut in Palo Alto run by Bob’s Welsh mum.

It supports all bleeding-edge numerical operations such as ANSI standard addition, EU approved subtraction, tricky multiplication and obtuse division. It also instinctively knows how to put the unknown quantities on the right side of the multi-purpose plus sign and when to deduce a repetition.

Fabulous Formulas: This is a set of instructions for creating a genuinely desirable result. It takes inputs and returns outputs.

Like a cure for a major pandemic. A quick and lasting fix for a global financial crisis. Or the answer to “what is the meaning of life?” Coca-Cola has a formula, for sure. Then Black-Scholes was a Nobel winning model formula, of which we can all disagree. After that, Grecian 200 won a recipe with exciting ideas of how to win the Formula Wars. It’s magnificently and powerfully simple. And it’s fabulous.

So how does all of this apply to business?

Big data folk believe many things. Such that a junior Java, Python or Spark programmer armed with a fantastic equation and formula cookbook can use these magnificent yet neat and petite technologies to implement smart apps. These are numeric means. And they come in for a fraction of the price of a qualified, experienced and competent statistician using awkwardly complicated math.

“Business clamours for extreme equations and thrilling formulas. It’s a proven fact,” says Bob. “How did we manage without these gizmos? It’s a no brainer, man.” There you have it in black and white. So much for those naysayers who claim that there are no real, coherent and correct big data success stories.

Business needs extreme equations and fabulous formulas. The industry has spent a lifetime and a half demanding these technologies. And now for this first time even in the history of the planet, they are here. Present and ready to monetise data and math.

Business must have extreme equations and fabulous formulas. It’s a simple, timeless truth. Those businesses that don’t demand these technologies will be adopted or die.

Business must wake up extreme equations and fabulous formulas. They must wake up and get a clue. This requirement is the most critical challenge and opportunity ever to face humankind.

Business must adopt extreme equations and fabulous formulas. The sooner, the better.

So, who could benefit from using extreme equations and fabulous formulas?

1.   Alibaba

Alibaba is the world’s largest e-commerce platform whose sales exceed those of Amazon and eBay combined. It is almost sure that equations and formulas are integral in Alibaba’s daily operations. And might even be used to prophesize what punters might want to buy, or not.  And as Abdullah would have it “For a man’s country or his stomach he might bid his life; even for his horse. Never, never for a woman.”

The American equivalent of Baidu. Alphabet is Google’s parent company. According to my pal Boris, they also make heavy use of equations and formulas. “An equation a day makes you work, think and play.”  I hear that it’s also trending as Alphabetti Spaghetti soup. “I ate three cans of them today, and now I’m completely googly, dictionarised up and phonic.”

3.   Amazon

Amazon is the US version of JD.com.

Jeff Bezo’s fantastic enterprise is quite rightly famous for its use of equations and formulas. And who am I to doubt that? I’ve been a big fan of the fantastic Amazon emporium since the mid-1990s, and I have bought warehouses worth of stuff from them.

4.   Apple

Apple is the American version of Pomme and Manzana. And is one of the world’s largest technology companies, selling consumable electronics such as iDogAndBone, iBlower and Apple Clocks (Ed. Can we verify this?). As well as computer software and online services. Apple uses equations and formulas in products like the iBrick, or products like the HairSpuds, Apple Swatch, or HomePlods nifty speakers. Where it enables the ultra-canny helper that goes by the name of Sirilously!

I like Apple but don’t possess a single Apple product, not even iToons. I once had my HP business credit card declined at their Infinite Loop shop when I tried to buy the last of the Newton.

5.   Baidu

The Chinese equivalent of Google, Baidu, is almost sure that they leverage equations and formulas. Knowing commerce and the purpose and business of trade, I’d bet my house on it. Even the name sounds good.

Quite possibly the global users of equations and formulas par excellence. According to reliable sources, the Zuck is really into them.

7.   IBM

IBM has been at the forefront of equations and recipes for more than five decades. Hell, if it weren’t for Univac, they could legitimately (not necessarily rightly) claim to have invented the precursors.

8.   JD.com

JD.com is the Chinese version of Amazon. Its founder Richard Liu will quite likely drive equations and formulas into all parts of his business.

9.   Microsoft

Bill Gate’s micro and soft is another big-time user of equations and formulas. To paraphrase Bill ” Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose – especially when they have excellent equations and fabulous formulas to fall back on.”

10. Tencent

Not to be confused with Tupac and Snoop Dogg, Chinese social media company Tencent uses equations and formulas in almost all of their IT.

And it was so

So, there you have it. A business will thrive or die based on how quickly and well, they adopt extreme equations and fabulous formulas.

It’s not just freakingly good enough to take my advice. You have to choose often and early.  You have to preach your success to the world. Have I made myself clear?

And remember folk. So long as the unit prices are lower, then doing something wrong, the wrong way is a million times better than doing something right the right way, no matter what your ROI is.

And remember this lesson. We can’t discern a knowledgeable, experienced and honest broker from the self-promoting, shameless, mendacious and dopey monkeys. You know, the folks amongst us who schlep their abject, false and professionally unacceptable nonsense on social media and publishing platforms.

So, there you go, friends, Romans and country folk. That is how to write fake-news, post-facts and truthiness about bullshit technology.

Martyn Jones is among the world’s foremost authorities on data integration, modelling, architecture, management and privacy. In the early eighties, he defined and built some of the first Information Centres in Europe at Sperry Corporation. They were classic Inmon data warehouse architectures and met with a lot of success.

Martyn’s 2020 book, Laughing@BigData, offers a refreshing insight into contemporary IT and data.

Martyn blogs at goodstrat.com and can be contacted at martyn.jones@goodstrat.com

“Bernard Marr is to technology what Dan Brown is to literature.” – Martyn Jones

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