Coffee and cakes for breakfast On the Way of Saint James
Martyn
Richard Jones
Brussels, 10th July 2019
As George Burns put it “the key to
success is sincerity” and “if you can fake that you’ve got it made.”
He was right, and you don’t need to go any
further than the bizarre world of information technology, with its plethora of
professional bulllshit artists, to work this one out.
The other day, I heard the aimless,
timeless and fatuous claim that data is like an onion, and as you peel away the
data-layers of the data-onion the data-onion-detail will become clearer.
Is it me, or is this someone who has never
ever chopped up an onion in their life?
The Uruguayan writer Mario Orlando Hamlet Hardy Brenno Benedetti Farugia, better known as Mario Benedetti, is no longer with us. Born in the small town of Paso de los Toros in the department of Tacuarembó, on the 14th of September 1920, he died in his home in the city of Montevideo, this last Sunday (17/5/2009), at the age of 88.
Oh dear, whatever happened here? After years of over-borrowing and under-saving, the plentiful supply of cheap and easy money, the enthusiastic recklessness of a number of financial managers, and the complaisance of governments, the inevitable happened, and panic ensued.
In 2016 the UK held what was called the United Kingdom European Union membership referendum the objective of which was to gauge public sentiment about the UK leaving or remaining in the EU.
It was a non-binding consultation, which
means that regardless of outcome, it can be legitimately ignored by MPs.
The generally accepted nonsense about the referendum being legally or constitutionally binding was just that, nonsense.
In 2016 the UK held what was offically known as the United Kingdom European Union membership referendum, a non-binding consultation with the people of the UK on the question of the UK leaving or remaining in the EU.
51.9% of those who voted supported the UK’s exit from the European Union.
Today I want to talk with you about energising
the Agile Way of Working brand.
Sadly, the Agile Way of Working movement
seems to be temporarily on the wane. The adoption rate of AWOW has not risen in
line with expectations. It’s stuck in the doldrums between Scylla and Charybdis.
Which makes for frowns all around.
But, me being me, I didn’t leave it at
that. That’s a challenge, right there! Let’s go for it! Let’s turn those frowns
upside-down
As result, I searched for a way to help the
Agile@Scale crowd out, and I eventually came up with ten amazing pieces of incredible
advice on how to easily make ‘Agile Way of Working’ truly something worth
having around.
So, here we have it:
First, change its name from the Agile Way of Working to the Agile Way of Whacking Off (Agile WOWO), you know, a touchy-feely way to “sex up” requirements. Bush and Blair style.
Epics will be referred to as Dodgy Dossiers, User Stories will become Curated Jokes and Sprints will become Streaks.
People working on Streaks will be known as Streakers, chapter members will be known as Schleppers and guild members will be known as Schmucks, everyone else will be referred to as Bernie or Helen.
Every morning Dodgy Dossier Owners must repeat the term “Agile Operating Model” until they puke their guts out.
All Scrum and Kanban boards are be replaced with life-sized wack-a-mole models.
Only those kitted out as My Little Pony or Princess Line can use coloured post-it notes.
Anyone caught using the names Google, Spotify, Netflix or Zappos.com will be denied the oxygen of publicity.
Anyone evidenced repeating the terms “by design”, “learning journey” and “minimum viable product” will be denied the oxygen of oxygen.
Anyone caught using comic images of rockets, astronauts or planets (including the sun) anywhere in their “content” will be forever referred to as a feckin space-cadet.
If you can’t defecate rainbows on demand then you have no right being involved in Agile at Scale or the Agile Way of Whacking Off.
There you have it. Ten jolly and sensible
policies for a happy world of Agile at Scale and Agile WOWO.
Many thanks for reading,
This is Martyn Jones of goodstrat.com – THE
GOOD STRATEGY COMPANY
Until next time.
Contact me at martyn dot jones at goodstrat
dot com
The Big Data bullshit well was always going
to run dry. They didn’t believe me.
Now it’s very clear.
They were wrong. I was right. I told them
so.
Gloat? Me? Why, hell yeah!
I am laughing at the shameless and
opportunistic fools, charlatans and chancers of Big Data and the Hadoop ecosphere,
because it’s the very least they deserve.