The Bad Data Bible

Narrator: How do you raise a data child to be a great, honest, committed data professional? That is the question.

Pete: Tea’s up, Dud?

Dud: Sure, But first, here’s a question, Pete. What would it look like if knowledge and information on bad data practices and thoughts were turned into an anti-pattern bible of things not to do?

Pete: Things not to do, people not to be, false claims not to make, and nonsense not to say?

Dud: Yes, for example. I quite like that.

Pete: It’s an exciting idea, Dud. And one that coincidentally coincides with a long-term project of mine. The Good Data Bible. It’s an opportunity to teach people good habits, practices, principles, and values rather than bully, condemn and crucify people for their data sins.

Dud: Would that be based on the best principles?

Pete: I would say that it is based on best practices, sound methods, good discipline, and a strong moral dimension.

Dud: What would a Bad Data Bible consist of, Pete?

Pete: I don’t really know, Dud. Probably all of the horrible stuff that can happen to and with data.  The hell, fire and damnation of data. The dark, demonic and satanic side of data. The degenerate, amoral and disinhibited facets of data.

Dud: Blimey, that all sounds very terrible, Pete.

Pete: Indeed it is, Dud.

Dud: Bad quality in data?

Pete: Don’t do data quality detection, acceptance and remediation; do data exorcism. Frighten the errors out of the data.

Dud: Data trustworthiness?

Pete: That is achieved through prayer?

Dud: As in, “Ain’t got a prayer?”

Pete: No.

Dud: As in, the devil is in the detail?

Pete: No!

Dud: Like what then?

Pete: Like nothing, Dud. As you can see, a Bad Data Bible is not a good idea. However, a Good Data Bible is well overdue.

Dud: Why is that, Pete?

Pete: Dud, people want good news, help, encouragement and inspiration. They want hope, a future to look forward to, and a bedrock of stability. That’s why I would instead help people rather than be the messenger of bad news all the time.

Martyn Jones, Santoña, 15th October 2024