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THE QUANTUM REVOLUTION IS HERE (THEY SWEAR), AND IT’S ABOUT MUCH MORE THAN COMPUTING — IT’S ABOUT GENERATING ENOUGH HYPE TO POWER A SMALL COUNTRY
Sir Afilonius Rex, Martyn Rhisiart Jones, and Lila De Alba
Madrid 3rd December 2025
(Mel Brooks: “Ladies and gentlemen… QUANTUM! The only science where nobody knows what the hell is happening, including the scientists!”)
(Dave Chappelle: “Man, every time somebody says ‘quantum’, my wallet hides in the corner out of fear.”)
When people hear “quantum,” they think of a super-computer so powerful it could fold reality, solve climate change, and somehow still lose to your gran at Sudoku. But no — the PR departments insist — that’s tiny baby quantum. Now we’re in Quantum 2.0, which sounds like a direct-to-DVD sequel starring a different actor.
(Brooks: “Quantum 2.0! It slices! It dices! It collapses its own wavefunction!”)
(Chappelle: “Bruh… calling it 2.0 don’t make it real. My cousin called himself DJ 3000 for years — man didn’t even own headphones.”)
I’ve wandered Bellend Labs for months, watching engineers wrestle with physics so complex it makes religion look straightforward. Meanwhile the executives lie in wait, ready to pounce in front of a photographer to pose beside something glowing and expensive.
**THE FOUR PILLARS OF QUANTUM INNOVATION
(OR “FOUR EXCUSES TO KEEP THE INVESTORS SEDATED”)**
Pillar 1: Quantum Computing
HighFive is building “topological qubits,” qubits so stable they allegedly last for days. DAYS.
(Brooks, shouting): “Days! I should live so long! My hairpiece collapses faster than their qubits!”)
(Chappelle: “If these qubits last days, somebody gonna start selling them on the street: ‘Yo man, you want calm, you want clarity, I got that topological.’”)
Other qubits last milliseconds — like the patience of a parent watching CBeebies on repeat — so this breakthrough is exciting. Or terrifying. Or imaginary. Depending on who you ask.
The scientists talk about breakthroughs in 2026.
(Chappelle: “2026? Whenever tech people say a date, I add five years and a bottle of disappointment.”)
(Brooks: “2026 is good! Gives me time to finish digesting this pastrami sandwich!”)
Pillar 2: Quantum Networking
They claim they can transmit 14 bits per photon.
(Brooks: “Fourteen bits in a photon? I can’t even get one bit into a bagel!”)
(Chappelle: “These nerds packing bits into photons like it’s a clown car.”)
This will revolutionise communication across storms, galaxies, and perhaps the emotional void of your family group chat.
Pillar 3: Quantum Security
Security experts warn about Q-Day — the moment quantum computers can break classical encryption. Everyone should be preparing now.
(Chappelle: “Man, these security people talk like Jehovah’s Witnesses: ‘Have you accepted quantum security into your life?’”)
(Brooks: “Q-Day! Sounds like a game show. ‘Spin the wheel! Lose your privacy!’”)
Hackers are allegedly hoarding encrypted data today so they can decrypt it in ten years.
(Chappelle: “A hacker patient enough to wait ten years? That man’s a unicorn.”)
(Brooks: “Ten years!? I don’t even buy green bananas!”)
Pillar 4: Quantum Sensing
These sensors can detect magnetic fields emitted by individual cells. Yes, your body’s gossip is now detectable.
(Brooks: “My cells are plotting against me, I know it!”)
(Chappelle: “So basically we building snitch sensors. Great. My liver about to call the cops on me.”)
THE Q-DAY PANIC (OR “BUY OUR PRODUCT BEFORE EVERYTHING EXPLODES”)
We’re told the quantum threat is already here — like a monster in the attic we never see but must spend millions preparing for.
(Chappelle: “A threat that don’t exist yet but already charging my credit card — that’s called marriage.”)
(Brooks: “We had threats in my day too! They were called landlords!”)
HighFive’s solution: quantum-safe, quantum-ready, quantum-adjustable, quantum-washable encryption. Multiple algorithms. Switchable. Agile. Basically shapeshifting crypto in a trench coat.
WHY QUANTUM NETWORKS MATTER (APPARENTLY)
The “quantum internet” is coming — a second internet running alongside the first.
(Brooks: “Two internets?! Oy gevalt, I can barely handle one! I got emails from 2007 I’m still answering!”)
(Chappelle: “A second internet? That’s just twice the porn.”)
This quantum internet won’t replace anything — just add complexity and invoices.
**THE INDUSTRIAL IMPACT
(OR “LET US DREAM FOR A MOMENT OF TECHNOLOGY THAT MIGHT NEVER EXIST”)**
Quantum computers will revolutionise:
- medicine
- logistics
- finance
- materials
- battery chemistry
- whatever else they can get grant money for
(Brooks: “Every new technology solves everything except my back pain.”)
(Chappelle: “Man, every time they say quantum gonna solve traffic I wanna slap somebody. We don’t need quantum — we need people who can merge.”)
WHY HIGHFIVE THINKS THEY’RE SPECIAL
HighFive brags about their legendary inventions — the transistor, the laser, quantum dots — implying this somehow guarantees they’ll crush quantum.
(Chappelle: “Just ‘cause your granddaddy was a hero don’t make YOU Batman.”)
(Brooks: “My ancestor invented disappointment and I’ve been perfecting it ever since!”)
WHAT COMES NEXT (OR “THE FUTURE ACCORDING TO PEOPLE WITH STOCK OPTIONS”)
Quantum security: coming soon.
Quantum networks: coming eventually.
Quantum computers: perpetually five years away.
Quantum sensing: ready for funding!
(Chappelle: “It’s always five years away. Quantum computing is basically Jesus for nerds.”)
(Brooks: “Five years? That’s the time between my bowel movements!”)
Marketers love convergence because it means they can sell four half-finished technologies as one glorious, unified fever dream.
The quantum revolution is happening, they insist. Right now.
HighFive says they’re leading it.
And maybe they are.
Or maybe it’s another cycle of promises, demos, and carefully edited videos. These videos show a blinking light in a lab. It could just as easily be a toaster with ambition.
(Brooks: “That toaster owes me money!”)
(Chappelle: “If the revolution needs a firmware update every week, it ain’t a revolution — it’s Windows.”)
Many thanks for reading.
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