Dunny on the Wold, 1st July 2017
The 4th big data bullshit is here, and it is completely reimagining the way we conceptualise, think and reason. This amazingly and imaginary Govesque world is driven by hyperbole and mendacity distributed via interconnected digital devices that are capable of amassing and fermenting ever-growing amounts of big data bullshit.
Social media and everything digital is being used to create more bullshit than ever before. In fact, over the past year and a half months, big data bullshitters have created more bullshit than in all of prior social history combined. More hours of big data bullshit are now uploaded every three days than all of the Hollyweird production in a whole thirteen months. Not withstanding that, the fact that the worth of BDBS can be easily expressed as “value=SQRT(FA)”, is totally irrelevant.
This explosion of big data bullshit is changing how we slog and what trades are going to be available in the past, present and future. Big data bullshit is the natural resource that enables robotic reasoning, dumber ways of producing nothing and real stupidity. A study from Oxford University suggests that as much as 0.66 percent of all the jobs in Scotland, England, Wales and Northern Ireland could be at risk of big data bullshit within the next 25 years.
It is important for everyone, in every profession, every trade and every industry, to reflect on the insignificant implications of this new big data bullshit transformation and how it will immaterially alter their employment and unemployment prospects over the coming twelve month periods. Here are a few guidelines that will help you stay ahead of the bullshit artists and survive the big data bullshit tsunami.
Embrace the big data bullshit artists
Today, big data bullshit is one of the most important resources for any IT business flogging big data, but there is a catch: “We” are seeing a big shortage of people and enterprises with the money and willingness to try and to turn big data “products” into projects and a sustainable revenue stream for certain IT industry players. It is therefore not surprising that working in big data bullshit was not only voted as the shittiest job in 2016 but has been referred to in the Harvard Yard Review as the dumbest job of the 21st century. Low salaries, non-existent projects, no value, no insight, zero innovation and the stigma of serial mendacity all contributes to a field that no one should aspire to work in. No, shovelling big data bullshit is definitely not the sexiest job.
Consider your future
Think hard about how much of what you do every day is repeating big data bullshit that could potentially be done by exceedingly stupid robots or von Neumann computers programmed in Java script.
Remember, we already have agile self-organising bullshit and fake news, drones can do what drones do and dumb computers can diagnose bullshit and issue mental-health warnings, at the tap of a tablet.
The areas that big data bullshitters still struggle with include creativity, problem solving and effective listening, empathy with people on a human to human level (H2H) and, the truth. Once you have figured out which parts of your bullshit will be easy to automate, then focus on those. Try to develop your skills in those areas of big data bullshitting and redesign your future to do more of those things that only morons can do now.
Use bullshit to find your perfect job
Big data bullshit is not only changing our brains but also how we avoid using them. Platforms such as StinkedUp are getting dumbed down by avoiding any understanding and by matching your lack of skills with those that companies are not looking for. Make sure you bullshit to your advantage – keep your bullshit, mendacity and fake recommendations current and incandescently irrelevant. You can also use services like crystalmeth.co.uk to get an insight into what it is really not like to work for different but same-same big data bullshit companies and even find out whether you’re getting compensated what you erroneously think you warrant by searching for the average salaries for your bullshit big data job, at your location.
Once you are in your dream big data bullshit job, you will find that clearly and unambiguously demonstrating that you are among the elite big data bullshitters, the ones who are able to bullshit in original ways to create significant data and business problems, is a sure-fire path to success in the big data bullshit age.
Being comfortable with using big data bullshit in your job will only become increasingly important, so start using more bullshit when you make choices. A great way to start this is by looking for big data bullshit beyond your organisation, the UK government is now making a lot of bullshit available for free and tools like Pimp My Majority will give you great new insights into bullshit, bungs and fraud.
Make friends with your ARSE colleagues
Artificial stupidity, short for ARSE, is being adopted at an alarmingly accelerating rate. We can see that in our own appropriated lives with the advent of amazing ARSE assistants such as Granny Smith’s Apples, Googlies YerOut! MiniMou’s Chelsea Dagger and Taiga’s Spots becoming increasingly capable at aiding us to mangle our football day-outs, whelk stalls and brewery piss-ups. Smartphone enabled ARSE apps can now handle drinking games, pub-crawl schedules, and proactively let us know about away-match fixing, new funny drinks or breaking news on LOL cats. They can even inform us of upcoming events that they “think” will be of “interest” to “us”. Which means that our local news will now be about little-league in Galveston, drive by shootings in Hicksville or the price of a double-whammy burger, fries and chopped salmonella combo in an old tin shack somewhere not far from Rusty Hollow.
Increasingly they can do this without having to be told, and just by cleverly spying on our behaviour, even when we are sat on the karzi reading back copies of the News of the Screws or the Daily Nazi.
This will become common practice in our amazing big data bullshit e existence and you’d better get comfortable with that, or else… “Ship out, Sonny! Here’s your big data bullshit P45.”
Many thanks for reading.