Martyn Richard Jones
Gif sur Yvette, 5th January 2018.
It’s that time again.
I forgot to send festive greetings cards. I forgot to buy presents. And, I forgot to do my usual festive time articles on times past, times present and times future.
But, I’m getting there.
This is a look back at my Big Data predictions for 2017 (Big Big Big Data predictions) and how I did. There are ten predictions so it’s not a Norse Saga… Okay, give me a break already, it’s only the 5th of January…
Prediction #10: Big Data insight, knowledge and experience will expand to fill the whole of the known universe
We got this wrong. Big Data failed to even underachieve in 2017. St Bernie the Patron Saint of Data Bullshit must be kicking himself up the arse with hob-nailed boots.
Prediction #9: A surfeit of clowns will make up stuff about Data Warehousing needing modernisation
Oh, we got this bang on the money. Joining the St Bernie the Patron Saint of Hype and Dreck were the likes of Deloitte, Boston Consulting Group and CGI. When will these folk take the time to find out what Data Warehousing is really about instead of making up shit?
Prediction #8: Data equation tools will dictate the market
Amazing fail. The data equation tools market continued as before. Microsoft Excel topping the list.
Prediction #7: The Internet of Things will turn pro
We’re getting there. We’re just not there yet. Another miserable fail for my cirtual crystal bollox ball.
Prediction #6: Businesses and organizations will find previously untapped big data talent
They are still looking.
Prediction #5: Big Data will explain the meaning of life
The only thing that Big Data has explained so far is the capacity of mankind to extremely and ferociously bullshit about things they know quite little about.
Prediction #4: Big Data will democratize skills and demonetize property
It didn’t do that either. It’s turning out to be a right damp squib.
Prediction #3: AI will be King, again. Machines will learn to take decisions based on Big Data
AI was king again, but it was also bollock naked, clueless, feckless and appealed to the lowest common denominator of nerd and CEO. AI was the IT Trumpette. Amazing rug err fabric, incoherent in action and crap on Twitter.
Prediction #2: Microsoft clamps down on blatant bullshit purveyors who currently enjoy carte blanche when it comes to publishing and promote their amazing crap on LinkedIn Pulse
Nah! Didn’t happen.
Prediction #1: Big Data will solve the Brexit conundrum
Eat your heart out Snorri Sturluson, Neither humankind nor beastly beat kind can sort that one out. Big Data doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in middle-eastern hell. Nordic hell is another matter. Innit, Frigga?
Many thanks for reading.
Have a beautiful 2018.