Martyn Richard Jones

 Apologies to the late Benny Hill

 You could hear the dollar fall, then it crashed upon the ground

And the chatter from the White House as they spun, around and ’round

And he glided into Wall Street, his scam beneath his vest

His name was Bernie, and he sold the slickest secrets in the west


Now Bernie loved his Lipstick, a place where mom’s the word

He worked alone on Third Avenue, at 53rd at Third

They said that he was just da’bom[1]; they were greedy, vain and chic

But Bernie got his kickbacks[2] there, five days in every week


They called him Bernie, Bernieeeeeeeeeee!

And he finessed the slickest Hedge Fund in the west


She said she’d like to work in funds, he said, “All right, braveheart”

And when he’d finished fiddling, he loaded up his chart

He said, “D’you want to leverage? ‘Cause leverage is best”

She says, “Bernie, I’ll be happy if there’s money left to invest”


That tickled old Bernie, Bernieeeeeeeeeee!

As he pimped the slickest Hedge Fund in the west.


Now Bernie had a rival, a governmental man

Called quickstep Chris from Harvard Yard[3], and he drove S.E.C.’s[4] van.

He tempted her with his oversight, regulator’s feet of lead

And when she seen the size of his compliant eyes, Lipstick trader placed a spread[5]


She almost sold on his insider tips and he said, “If you put me right,

You’ll have issues every morning, dividends every night.”

He knew once she sampled his laissez faire, he’d have his hedging way,

And all Bernie had to offer was a NASDAQ loss a day.


Poor Bernie, Bernieeeeeeeeeee…

And he rode the slickest Hedge Fund in the west.


One bell time Chris copped Bernie, doing deals outside her floor,

It drove him mad to find them trading even after half past four.

And as he jumped up from his chair, hot issues through his veins did course,

And he went across to Bernie’s trades and didn’t half kick his Bourse[6].


[Of course, it was his horse]


Whose name was Ponzi, Ponziiii…

And he schlepped the slickest Hedge Fund in the west.


Now Bernie rushed out onto Wall Street, prospectus in his hand,

He said, “you wanna subscribe to Lipstick you’ll pay for her like a man.”

“Oh why don’t we place bets for her?” he derisively replied,

“And just to make it interesting we’ll do some shorting on the side.”


Now Bernie dragged him up from F Street and beneath the Times Square clock,

They stood there face to face, and Chris went for his stock.

But Bernie was too quick, things didn’t go the way Chris planned,

An unexpected corporate-action sent it spinning from his hand.


Then Lipstick rigged a Chinese Wall to keep them both onside

But Bernie, made a haircut deal and subprime caught him underneath his pride.

And as he looked up at BASEL II, an OFAC hardened trust

Of a next day trade, caught him in the PEP, and Bernie got ‘da bust’[7].


Poor Bernie, Bernieeeeeeeeeee…

And he blagged the slickest Hedge Fund in the west.


Bernie was only just 60, he didn’t wanna lie

But now he’s stopped making deliveries to that Hedge Fund in the sky.

Where the investors are quite stupid, and regulation banned,

And the trader’s life is full of dosh, in that alternative land.


Yet Lipstock’s needs are manifold, and soon she collared Chris

Strange things happened on their redemption day, as they talked a ‘loada pish’[8]

A KYC oversight? Or old secrets out the gate?

Ole Bernie’s market making? A rattled exchange rate?


They won’t forget Bernie, Bernieeeeeeeeee…

As he ‘vanished’ the slickest Hedge Fund in the west.

[1] Quite jolly good.

[2] A return of a part of a sum received often because of confidential agreement or coercion.

[3] Harvard Yard, in Cambridge, Massachusetts, is a grassy area of 22.4 acres enclosed by fences with twenty-seven gates. It is the oldest part of the Harvard University campus, its historic centre, and its modern crossroads.

[4] Securities And Exchange Commission

[5] An options position established by purchasing one option and selling another option of the same class but of a different series.

[6] A market organized for the purpose of buying and selling securities, commodities, options and other investments.

[7] Revealed

[8] Not of a superior quality

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