A futuristic king-like figure commands an advanced AI system named Polymatch AI in a high-tech data center.
Alright, citizens! Gather ’round, because I’ve been standing in the queue at the local organic laundromat in Tufnell Park, and I’ve had an epiphany. I was looking at a discarded copy of The Posh Spreadsheet Quarterly, and there he was. The man, the myth, the human megaphone for corporate mediocrity: Bernie Bumper-Book.
Guests engage in conversations and technology demos at the Future Tech Gala in a grand ballroom.
The Dawn of the Digital Parasite: Why Your Business Needs a Hallucinatory ‘Partner’ to Finish the Job of Bankrupting You
By Barnum Blather, Chief Thought-Evacuator at Blather & Grift Global
We live in an era of “innovation,” a word that here means “finding new and creative ways to charge legacy brands $50,000 for a PDF that was written by a sociopathic algorithm.” But today, we aren’t just talking about chatbots that tell your customers to eat rocks. No, we are entering the glorious, high-stakes age of Agentic AI, the “Design Partner” you never asked for, but will definitely be sued because of.
The Silicon Rapture: Reed Hollowman on Why You Should Stop Worrying and Love the Bot
By Barnaby BlusterIntergalactic Futurist, Alpha-Thought-Leader, and Man Who Once Met a Robot in a Dream.
There are moments in history that define the very fabric of how we pretend to work. I recently had the distinct, high-margin privilege of sitting down with Reed Hollowman, a man whose bank account is so large it has its own gravitational pull and whose optimism is so “strategic” it has been known to ignore the laws of thermodynamics.
Reed, a founding father of the Linky-Dink empire and a partner at Silver-Latch Ventures, isn’t just looking at the future of AI. He is manifesting it into a series of highly lucrative slide decks. According to Reed, we are no longer in the “Testing Things to See if They Actually Work” phase. We have entered the era of the AI Ascendancy, where the only thing standing between you and total global dominance is your annoying insistence on employing actual human beings.
Surreal depiction of a multi-faced figure controlling society with media and propaganda
The Vacuum of Thought: Why AI-Powered Orbital Synergy is the Ultimate Catalyst for Your Synergy’s Synergy
By Brandish BlatherWorld-renowned Futurist, LinkedIn Legend, and Thought-Haver with a Passion for Synergising Technology for the Good of My Personal Brand.
The first time you experience the sheer, weightless emptiness of a venture capital pitch, everything changes. One moment, you’re grounded by the heavy, suffocating “hyper-G” of reality, things like “revenue,” “logic,” and “the laws of physics.” The next, all that noise disappears. You are floating in a perfect, silent void of pure, unadulterated hype.
That sense of transition isn’t just what happens when you’re strapped into a billionaire’s phallic hobby-rocket; it reflects a “Quantum Leap” in the Space-AI-Human-Potential-Sandwich™ economy. I recently sat down with Major Tad Mumbleton, a man who spent 400 days in orbit and now serves as the Chief Vibe Officer for Void-X, a company currently building inflatable habitats and AI-powered space-toasters that will absolutely, definitely reshape the way you eat sourdough on Earth.
The Great Digital Lobotomy: Why Your Sentient Spreadsheet Still Can’t Make a Decent Cup of Tea
By Barnaby Blather(Chief Visionary Officer at The Institute for Stating the Bleeding Obvious)
A sleek, modern conference room set up for a business meeting with panoramic city skyline views.
In the ever-churning septic tank of Silicon Valley buzzwords, “Agentic AI” is the latest floating turd we’re all being asked to admire. Our resident “thought leader,” the perpetually breathless Barnaby Blather, has emerged from his mahogany-lined echo chamber to grace us with his latest revelation: “The Biggest Barriers Blocking Agentic AI Adoption.”
It’s a masterclass in the kind of vapid, corporate-flavored “insight” that makes one long for the sweet release of a total solar flare. Here is a translation for those of us who haven’t yet replaced our frontal lobes with ChatGPT plugins.
THE SEMIOTICS OF THE ABYSS: WHY EVERY CHIEF EXTRACTION OFFICER NEEDS A BRAINVACUUM™ PROTOCOL
“The most expensive sequence of vowels I have ever been forced to endure.” – Kenny Meh
By Barnaby Squelch-Toad (Founding Partner at ShiteLogic™)
(Imagine, if you will, a man standing on a stage. He is wearing a suit that costs more than your house, but it’s tailored to make him look like a trendy geography teacher who’s just had a nervous breakdown in a Muji. He is pacing. He is doing that thing with his hands, the “invisible accordion”, that all these “thought leaders” do. This is the prose equivalent of that man.)
Title: Why Every CEO Needs a ‘VoidLogic’ Strategy (Or: How to Successfully Set Your Building on Fire While Smiling for a Headshot)
By Barnaby Sludge(Disruption Architect, Thought-Gland Inflator, and Professional Vapor-Salesman)
THE LIVERPOOL SCREAM (In the style of ‘The Fat Scouser’)
Listen to me, you tight-suited, Peloton-humping, organic-kale-smoothie-shitting sacks of corporate offal! I was walking past a boardroom the other day, a room so full of expensive air and low-level sociopathy it’s technically classified as a vacuum, and I saw a CEO. A man whose only contribution to the human race is deciding which shade of “Grey Despair” to paint the staff toilets.
And what was he doing? He was crying! He was weeping hot, salty tears into his gold-plated iPad because he didn’t have a VoidLogic strategy!
He’s terrified! He’s heard the buzzwords! “Generative Rectification!” “Algorithmic Synergy!” He doesn’t know what they mean, but he knows if he doesn’t buy them, the other boys at the Yacht Club will laugh at his small, non-AI-integrated genitals! It’s a con, you clowns! It’s the digital equivalent of selling a magic bean to a man who’s already sold his house to buy a specialised bean-holding glove! It’s Barnaby Sludge, standing there in a suit made of woven press releases, shouting, “Give me your money, or the computer will come to your house and eat your pension!”
(The scene opens on a dimly lit stage. ALFIE SWEARY stomps out, wearing a suit two sizes too small, sweating profusely. He is shouting.)
ALFIE SWEARY: ALRIGHT! SETTLE DOWN, YOU BUNCH OF SYCOPHANTIC MIDDLE-MANAGEMENT YOGURT-KNITTERS!
I’ve just been reading LinkedIn. Or as I call it, “The Digital Dementors’ Circle Jerk.” And I came across a post by a man called Barnaby Muck. A “Business Futurist.” What a job that is, eh? “Business Futurist.” It’s what you tell the police you are when they find you lurking outside a Dixon’s at 3 AM with a soldering iron and a look of existential dread!
While you were busy doing a real job, the world’s most expensive LinkedIn notification has been rebranding your impending redundancy as a “growth mindset opportunity.” It’s time to stop listening to a man who thinks “Vibe Coding” is a professional skill and start seeing the “AI Divide” for what it truly is: a desperate, corporate protection racket designed by a “futurist” who couldn’t predict a sunset unless it was written in a $500 whitepaper.
Listen, before we start, let’s just take a moment to look at the word “Futurist.” What is a “Futurist”? In the old days, a futurist was a mentalist in a silver jumpsuit who thought we’d all be eating pill-form roast dinners while commuting to a moon colony via jetpack. Now, it’s just a title for a man in a sharp suit who’s managed to monetise the act of stating the fucking obvious with the hollow conviction of a cult leader selling “ascension” for forty quid a month.
And here he is. Banal Merde. A man who looks like he was synthesized in a lab from the DNA of a LinkedIn “Top Voice” and a wet cardboard box.
His latest piece of career-advice-slop, “The New AI Career Divide,” is the kind of breathless, sycophantic corporate fan-fiction that makes you want to go and live in a cave and communicate only through the medium of throwing stones at consultants.
A vintage film reel rests on a beach as a digital wave crashes before a futuristic city skyline under the aurora borealis.
SATURDAY: The Great Transformation Race (Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Vapid LinkedIn Word-Salad of the Techno-Toffs)
I was reading LinkedIn the other day. I know. I know. It’s a cry for help. LinkedIn is the only place on the internet where people talk like they’ve been lobotomised by a McKinsey PowerPoint presentation and then fed through a shredder. It’s a digital business park where everyone is wearing an invisible lanyard and shouting “Synergy!” at a pigeon.
And there he was. Bernice Carr. The Bernice Carr. A man whose job title, “Strategic Business & Technology Advisor,” is basically Latin for “I possess a library of blasers and a subscription to ChatGPT, and I will use both to make you feel slightly anxious about things that don’t exist.”
Martyn Rhisiart Jones, Sir Afilonius Rex and Lila de Alba
Madrid, Friday 1st May 2026
The arrival of May 1st, International Workers’ Day, is often framed through the sepia-toned lens of 19th-century industrialism: coal dust, steam whistles, and the clatter of the Spinning Jenny. Yet, to view Labour Day as a relic of the manufacturing age is to commit a grave anthropological and strategic error.
For the modern “knowledge class”, those architects of algorithms, curators of data, and high priests of information, May 1st is not a historical curiosity. It is a mirror. To celebrate it is to acknowledge that while our tools have shifted from the physical to the metaphysical, the structural dynamics of power, exhaustion, and civic duty remain unchanged.
Here are ten reasons why those who trade in bits and bytes should reclaim the spirit of May Day.
THE COMING DIGITAL LOCUSTS: Why Your Pathetic ‘Enterprise Solutions’ Are Just Seasoning for the AI Swarm
Martyn Rhisiart Jones, Sir Afilonius Rex and a man who once shared a corridor with a fellow who briefly tutored a junior cabinet minister at Balliol, and who is currently vibrating with the righteous, Scouse-infused fury of a man who’s just seen the price of a sourdough loaf in Islington.
Two silhouetted figures argue passionately in front of a glowing neon gear.
Welcome to the definitive, hyper-disruptive, AI-augmented, thought-leadership-as-a-service (TLaaS) guide to 2026. If you aren’t already feeling the “frictionless” vibration of a “mind-bending” paradigm shift, you’re clearly still living in the analog dark ages of 2025.
Here are the 7 “revolutionary” trends that Brendan Miggins, the man who never met a buzzword he didn’t want to marry, is definitely getting paid to tell you will “reshape the universe.”
A vintage film reel rests on a beach as a digital wave crashes before a futuristic city skyline under the aurora borealis.
Oh, look what the algorithm dragged in. It’s an article by Julian Sterling-Vane. A “Temporal Architect.”
Now, before we begin, let’s just pause and dismantle the job title “Temporal Architect,” shall we? In any sane civilisation, a “Temporal Architect” would be a man in a tinfoil hat shouting at a pigeon in a precinct. But in our current late-stage capitalist hellscape, it’s a bloke in a slim-fit navy blazer who gets paid fifty grand a head to tell HR directors that, by 2030, their staplers will have “emotional intelligence.”
Sterling-Vane has written a piece titled: “Why the Cognitive Engine Isn’t a Bubble (But It Could Still Topple the Counting House).” It’s a masterpiece of the genre I like to call “The Professional Network Shrug.” It’s the prose equivalent of a man trying to sell you a monorail while simultaneously backing away toward an escape pod.
Let’s let the combined psychic energy of Aloysius Snarl, Montgomery Metal, and St. John Spleen take a look at this steaming pile of visionary “content.”
A smartphone surrounded by numerous social media posts and like icons, depicting digital interaction
Martyn Rhisiart Jones
Madrid Thursday 9th April 2026
Right. LinkedIn.
You know, I was thinking about this the other day, or rather, I was forced to think about it because some algorithm had decided that what I really needed at 7:42 in the morning, while I was still half-asleep and trying to remember why I exist, was yet another notification telling me that Kevin from Supply Chain Optimisation had “viewed my profile.”
Martyn Rhisiart Jones, Madrid, Monday 6th April 2026
A vintage film reel rests on a beach as a digital wave crashes before a futuristic city skyline under the aurora borealis.
Oh, look what the algorithm dragged in. Gather ’round, you beautiful, deluded LinkedIn-scrolling corpses, for another sermon from the Church of the Silicon Rapture.
Here we have Blithering Binge Drinking Marge, or as I prefer to call her, Barbara von Blathertron, the internationally best-selling author, professional nodding enthusiast, and ladylikelady whose “futurist” predictions have the shelf life of an open tuna sandwich. He’s back to explain how AI is “rewriting filmmaking” while insisting that “craft” still wins. Bless his little heart. It’s like watching a Victorian gentleman politely announce that the guillotine is merely a “disruptive time-saving device for high-speed haircuts.”
The Catholic, Church of Wales and Anglican traditions don’t actually have a secret PowerPoint on data architecture hidden in the Vatican archives or the Book of Common Prayer. But if you sit with the Easter story… the deliberate march to Calvary, the cross, the tomb, the impossible Sunday morning… and with the Jesus who keeps saying “I am the way, the truth and the life,” you start noticing the same patterns that good data people chase when they’re not busy filling in GDPR forms.
Martyn Rhisiart Jones, Madrid, Friday 27th March 2026
Warehousing Your Data: A No-Nonsense Guide to the Right DBMS in 2026
Listen, you glorious data martyrs. You noble sufferers who have spent far too many evenings coaxing historical rows into slowly changing dimension tables while the rest of the office has gone home to sensible lives. You know the drill. The star schema looks perfect on paper, the fact table is append-only and cooperative, but then someone asks for last year’s corrected customer segments. Suddenly, your backfill script is performing open-heart surgery on a live production warehouse.
In 2026, vendors are still shouting about infinite scalability and “agentic AI” (whatever that means this week), but what actually matters is a system that lets you shove yesterday’s data into those dimension objects without it feeling like a hostage negotiation.
I have been asked to examine the most appropriate database management systems for effective data warehousing, with particular attention to the pain of backfilling dimensional tables. The brief is clear: functionality, reliability, scalability, extensibility, maintainability, performance, cost, ease of use, and a total lack of corporate nonsense.
Cortex Code: The Agentic Reckoning, Or, How Snowflake Finally Gave Data Engineers a Break from Their Existential Crisis (Now With 300% More Technical Guts)
Martyn Rhisiart Jones, Madrid, Thursday 26th March 2026
Yesterday I attended Snowflake’s breakfast date in Madrid, and here are some of the great things I learned. So, without more ado…
Listen up, you glorious data martyrs, you noble sufferers who’ve spent years knee-deep in the festering swamp of undocumented ETL pipelines, chasing lineage graphs that resemble a deranged spider on acid after a three-day bender, and muttering dark incantations at 3 a.m. because some crusty Python script decided “customer churn” meant “every table that vaguely smells like a customer, plus that one VIEW nobody documented since 2019.” I stand before you today, your erudite, slightly unhinged technical prophet (with a heavy dose of stand-up bile and a side order of schema diagrams), to deliver the good news: Snowflake has unleashed Cortex Code, the AI coding agent that doesn’t just autocomplete your misery, it inhales it, digests the entire governed data estate, and burps back production-grade, hallucination-free SQL, Python, and dbt YAML while respecting your PII tags and warehouse economics like a paranoid compliance officer on Red Bull. This isn’t your garden-variety Copilot having another existential meltdown over a missing import. This is Code Context incarnate, an agentic beast that has swallowed the Horizon Catalogue whole, metadata, lineage graphs, semantic layers, role-based access controls, Dynamic Table lag policies, and the soul-crushing reality of your credit burn rate.
Martyn Rhisiart Jones, Madrid, Wednesday 25th March 2026
Ah, March 25th, 2026, the sun is shining, the Snowflake croissants are buttery, and another LinkedIn prophet has risen to bless us with his latest dispatch from the mountaintop of thought leadership. Thank you, dear reader, for stumbling upon “AI Special Agents Are About To Change Gaming and Maiming Forever” by the one and only Berneice Barr, world-renowned futurist, eighty-million-follower magnet, and woman who has written more books about AI than most people have had hot dinners.
Martyn Rhisiart Jones, Madrid Tuesday 24th March 2026
In the ever-evolving world of enterprise data warehousing, one of the most persistent and critical challenges is how to intelligently expand subject areas and the associated data within the core data warehouse database, while maintaining architectural integrity, data quality, and governance, without venturing into data mart considerations.
Martyn Rhisiart Jones, Madrid, Friday 20th March 2026
March 20, 2026. Yes, that’s right, the calendar has finally caught up with the grift, hasn’t it? Thank you, thank you, for bothering to read my latest steaming pile of corporate word salad: “Choosing The Right AI In 2026 Is No Longer About Choosing The Right Model.” Because obviously, in 2026, choosing the right model would be far too simple, far too honest. No, no, we’ve evolved beyond that. We’re now in the rarefied realm of “capability profiles” and “orchestral conducting.” Please, hold your applause until I’ve finished flogging this dead horse made of buzzwords.
The GoodStrat Strategy Team, London Tuesday 17th March 2026
To neutralise the “industrial-scale rot” of global hiring, your vetting process must shift from a posture of trust but verify to one of hostile interrogation. The goal is to break the “proxy” (where a different person speaks or codes) and the “emulator” (where the candidate uses AI or pre-written scripts).
Here is a three-stage, “Zero-Trust” technical vetting framework.
The GoodStrat Strategy Team, London Tuesday 17th March 2026
The Global Grift: The Industrialisation of Technical Fraud –
The digital gold rush has ended not in a utopia of global connectivity, but in a sprawling, multi-jurisdictional wasteland of institutionalised deception. As remote work dismantled the physical perimeter of the office, it simultaneously liquidated the last vestiges of vetting. We are currently witnessing the “Great Dilution”, an era where the global supply of IT talent is being systematically poisoned by industrial-scale charlatanry.
