The Good Strat Fraud Squad

London, Sunday 7th June 2026

10 Ways Humanoid Robots Will Revolutionise the Art of Grifting You Out of Your Job (And Your Sanity)

Right! Listen to me! I was reading Fraudes Magazine the other day—a publication written exclusively for men who wear fleece gilets indoors and think ‘crypto’ is a substitute for a personality. And there’s an article by a so-called ‘futurist’—let’s call him Bartholomew Pompous-Windbag.

Bartholomew is a man who writes listicles for a living because his brain is incapable of forming a continuous thought that doesn’t end in pitching a Silicon Valley start-up to a Saudi prince. “10 Ways Humanoid Robots Are About To Change Everyday Life,” he says.

Humanoid robots.

Humanoid. Robots.

Robots… that look like humans.

Because that’s what we need, isn’t it? We looked at the washing machine—a perfectly good, reliable box that washes clothes—and we thought, “You know what this needs? A face. And legs.” We need a washing machine that can walk into the living room on bipedal metal shanks, look at you with dead, unblinking LED eyes, and judge you for eating Wotsits in your pants. “It will change everyday life,” Bartholomew tells us. Will it, Bartholomew? Will it really?

Bartholomew reckons—and I’m quoting the general vibe of his capitalist fever-dream here—that these metal tossers are going to do our chores. Fold our laundry. Do the washing up. Now, hang on a minute. I can’t even get my £400 smart-TV to switch to HDMI 2 without it demanding a firmware update, my postcode, and a pint of my blood. And Bartholomew thinks a two-ton cybernetic butler, built by a man who names his children after router passwords, is going to delicately fold my fitted sheets? It won’t. It’ll pick up a stray sock, misidentify it as a hostile combatant, and burn your bloody house down.

And who is pushing this? The tech-barons. Let’s call the main one… Phony Stark. Phony Stark, the emerald-mine inheritor who promises us a robot colony on Mars every Tuesday, and instead delivers a racist chatbot and an electric car that drives itself into the nearest ambulance. Phony wants to sell you a £80,000 “Crap-timus” robot. And the other bloke, Spam Halt-man, the sentient turtleneck who thinks AI is going to become God, is right behind him.

It’s a grift! It is a monumental, towering, shimmering Ponzi scheme of absolute, unadulterated bollocks!

They sell you a Jetsons utopia, but it’s a lie. They don’t want to make your life easier. They want to replace the bloke who collects the bins and the woman who works the till with a glorified Roomba that doesn’t ask for a pension, doesn’t need a toilet break, doesn’t join a union, and can be switched off remotely if it accidentally starts reading Marx!

And Bartholomew sits there typing out his “10 Ways.” I can give you the real 10 ways, mate:

1. Harvesting your biometric data while it watches you sleep.
2. Crushing the family cat because its LIDAR mistook it for a piece of lint.
3. Replacing care workers so elderly people can die in the cold, unfeeling embrace of an iPad strapped to a mannequin.
4. AND THEN THEY’LL ARM THEM! THEY WILL PUT ELECTRO-TRUNCHEONS IN THEIR TITANIUM HANDS TO BEAT THE STRIKING NURSES, WON’T THEY?!
5. Pretending to walk up stairs but actually just falling over backward in a viral video.
6. Being pitched to venture capitalists by men in Patagonia vests who haven’t spoken to a human woman without handing her an NDA since 2014.
7. Requiring a £90-a-month subscription fee just to unlock its ‘knees’.
8. Putting the entire plumbing industry out of work, until the robot drops a spanner in the U-bend, shorts out, and floods the street.
9. Generating billions in completely fictitious stock market valuations for companies that have never turned a profit.
10. Glitching out in the middle of the night and reciting the terms of service agreement in the voice of a Victorian ghost.

“They’ll revolutionize the care sector,” they say. Will they? Have you ever tried to ring the local council to get a pothole fixed? “Press 1 for roads, press 2 for bins.” And you think that same societal infrastructure is going to support an android wiping your nan’s arse? It’ll glitch on a Tuesday, miscalculate the physics of a commode, and launch her out the bloody window!

It’s venture capital vaporware pushed by a bloke named Bartholomew who hasn’t done his own ironing since 1998, funded by sociopaths who think humanity is a messy obstacle to be managed. The humanoid robot won’t change everyday life. It’ll just stand in the corner of the room, buffering, until you die of old age.

Now give me a pint of bitter and leave me alone!