Laughing@BigData – What’s in the eBook

I thought people might like to know what’s inside my absolutely fabulous, totally amazing and utterly brilliant eBook Laughing@BigData

Here’s the table of contents:

Copyright.. 2

Dedication.. 3

Biography.. 9

What others are saying about the author.. 10

Introduction.. 13

Laughing@BigData.. 17

Silly big-data quotes.. 25

Big data for business sceptics.. 27

Did big-data kill the statistician?.. 33

Agile@Scale is bullshit by design.. 37

Data must adapt or die! 44

Minimal viable bullshit.. 48

Management talking points.. 51

Ten easy steps to brand and energise the ‘agile way of working’ mind-set   56

I told you so! Hadoop is sinking because big-data is bullshit.. 58

Saving Hadoop and big-data.. 60

Learning to hate Agile@Scale.. 67

The big-data bestiary: the immutable weasel.. 70

Big data on the roof of the world.. 74

You’ve joined the big-data gym, so now what?.. 77

Working in Agile and being yourself.. 80

Postmodern digital stories: we’ve never seen anything like this before   82

AI and big-data: a pig’s breakfast.. 86

Three foolish things you can do with a data lake.. 89

What if the Hadoop ecosphere were a box of chocolates.. 95

We didn’t have time for all of that nonsense.. 98

Don’t fight the bull, isolate it.. 100

Baby naming and religious and social trends.. 103

Big data and the fantastic five?.. 104

The value of a good data model?.. 107

Does it come in blue?.. 109

Protests? Most people are happy with things as they stand.. 111

On your way to data warehouse success? We’ll put a stop to that! 112

Mugged in data hell.. 114

Big data, a promised land where the big bucks grow… 120

Myths of strategy and data warehousing.. 123

Oh, no, not again! 125

Creativity and corporate IT: plumbers, not artists.. 127

Creativity: three stories.. 130

Business process intelligence?.. 134

The big-data “wow wow” factor.. 139

The mythical low hanging fruit.. 142

Nothing achievable is impossible.. 144

Historical big-data will save the future.. 148

The leading cause of IT project failure: big-data informs.. 156

The bastards of big-data: you can’t blame Putin for all of this nonsense   159

The fifteen major big-data roles.. 161

And, what would the ladies and gentlemen like today?.. 169

Dressing uniformly for success.. 173

Compound fracture.. 175

The never-ending story.. 177

Human factors.. 179

Want the same partner in old age? Never marry, tall! 180

Never trust a guy called Johnny.. 181

Big data reveals what lies behind global warming.. 182

Win data warehousing friends and influence people.. 183

Big data is bullshit.. 187

The world’s best data quotes.. 190

Business value from data? Try commercial analytics.. 195

The IT circus and the infinite loop.. 201

The right management stuff: lions led by donkeys.. 204

Remember when data warehousing was Hadoop and big-data?.. 207

The leader, the technologist and their accountability.. 212

The great information struggle: us and them.. 215

IT and data project managers: be less dog! 219

Developing and aligning IT strategy.. 221

Big data Robitussin.. 227

Big data and dopey quotes.. 231

What every CEO needs to know about big-data.. 234

We had to do something.. 238

Be more idiot: business as usual in data management.. 242

Build it, and they will come.. 245

A single source of truth.. 248

Big data 7s: talking points.. 254

Become an instant big-data rock star.. 257

7+1 amazing big-data myths.. 264

Megatrends: pig data.. 268

Investment in ICT.. 270

Top habits in highly ineffective relationships between ICT and business   272

Absolute beginners.. 275

CEO! To your own self, be true.. 277

Intentional dilemmas: before honour comes humility.. 279

Historic threads of data warehousing.. 281

The awkward squad: big-data informs.. 283

Big data is dead.. 286

The amazing world of Fred’s big-data.. 289

Consider this: big-data and the pot of tea.. 293

What’s all the fuss about dark data?.. 297

Consider this: big-data forever! 300

Consider this: taming big-data.. 303

Is big-data really for you? Things to consider before diving in   305

Looking for your most valuable data? Follow the money.. 308

What can data warehousing do for us now?.. 311

Information technology mirror balls! 314

When is offshoring software development the wrong choice?   316

Big data tales: Bernice and the Martians.. 319

Agile@Scale is corporate terrorism: discuss.. 323

Clueless in IT: can’t listen, aren’t learning, won’t win.. 325

Ensuring personal legitimacy in the social media age.. 327

If relational was the new thing.. 329

How to turn data into knowledge.. 331

In the brave new world, is everything like an onion?.. 333

A few small thoughts on data that you might like to ponder.. 340

The hidden mysteries of big-data analytics.. 346

The top ten amazing AI-big-data-analytics gurus.. 348

Information trends for the next decade.. 352

Big data and social media in ad-land.. 356

Being dishonest about honesty.. 358

Ten things to know about data warehousing.. 361

The ten commandments of ensuring sensible big-data.. 362

Stop whining and start training.. 364

Influencers worth having.. 366

Pile the big-data flim-flam high.. 369

On not knowing sentiment analysis.. 371

How to fix IT.. 374

It’s not what it seems.. 376

The delayed greening of IT.. 380

The risk of ignoring the risks.. 382

The thoughts of Chairman Marty.. 386

Knowledge and the media.. 389

The proverbs, axioms and sayings of data: a selection.. 395

Big data’s totalitarian tics.. 397

Data-less apps: revolutionary IT.. 399

Amazing outcome-based big-data projects.. 402

Big data and the curse of the temple of Java.. 404

Spain: not banking on big-data.. 407

Destructive eagerness – the data warehouse example.. 409

Sucking up to Microsoft?.. 412

The information management manifesto for the 2020s.. 413

Big data success, exclusive offer! 418

Lassie does big-data.. 421

The big-data contrarians.. 423


Martyn Data Jones

To celebrate the United Nations World Telecommunication and Information Society Day my new eBook laughing@bigdata will be free to download from all Amazon sites on Sunday 17th May 2020.

Why laugh at Big Data? Informative, education and entertaining, Laughing@BigData gives you real insider views on big data, agile, AI, data, deep learning, data warehousing, data lakes, IT strategy, leadership and management and much more. If you have the theory this gives you insight into the practice.

Get your free copy of laughing@bigdata from Amazon (usual Price $9.98, free on Sunday 17th May 2020).