If you enjoy this piece or find it useful (or something) then please consider joining The Big Data Contrarians: https://www.linkedin.com/grp/home?gid=8338976

Many thanks, Martyn.

For your amusement, delectable enjoyment and delight, I bring you the first in a series of Big Data Quizzes from The Big Data Contrarians – the nicest, most civilised and congenial Big Data community on the entire World Wide Web.

So here’s today’s top 20 Big Data Bafflers

Question 1: The British all-round politician, writer and good-egg Denis Healy is on record as stating in the British Parliament “I think we have all enjoyed another lugubrious concatenation of meaningless clichés from…” and went on to name the target of his acerbity. Of course, he could have been talking about any Big Data bullshit babbler, but on this occasion who was the unlucky target of his cutting wit? Was it:

1. Dolly McClonic?
2. Geoffrey Howe?
3. Clark Stanley?
4. Mother Teresa of Calcutta?

Question 2: The original idea for the remarkable yellow-Hadoop-elephant came from where? Was it:

1. In praise of the size of the Java King’s ego?
2. Based on a character from Doctor Goebells’ ABC?
3. Inspired by a child’s toy elephant? (How contrived and obviously false is that?)
4. A tribute to all the IT jobs that have been offshored since the birth of Java?

Question 3: Data was obviously invented. It stands to reason that something so awesome couldn’t have just materialized. However, when and who made it so? Was it:

1. In 1998 when Larry Page and Sergey Brin invented data at Google?
2. God herself, in a fit of self-deprecating humour, possibly around 1st April 1956 BC (Before Computers)?
3. Bill Inmon and Ralph Kimball after a night on the razzle-dazzle at a 1993 Florida Data Warehouse conference?
4. A. N. Other, the given-name used on the tomb of the unknown Big Data warrior, circa 1066 BD (before digital)?

Question 4: Who not only conclusively proved the existence of water on Mars (using the content of old Google web logs), but discovered a completely awesomedata lake that the amazing Martians were using for ‘absolutely fabulous’ inter-galactic brand sentiment analysis? Was it:

1. Jastor Gollusty the Dangerous?
2. NASA’s Michael Meyer?
3. Cherry Coke?
4. Martes y Trece?

Question 5: After a secret poll of Incredible Big Data Gurus what remarkable adjective was thought to best describe the term Big Data? Is it…

1. Dopey?
2. Awesome?
3. Amazing?
4. Bullshit?

Question 6: The amazing 3Vs from Doug Laney are very handy when it comes to describing data in terms of the absolutely key aspects of volumes, velocities and varieties. However, what is everyone’s’ favourite 4th V? Is it…

1. Vacantness?
2. Vagueness?
3. Vacuity?
4. Voracity?

Question 7: What term best describes those who insist on expanding Doug Laney’s 3 Vs of data ad infinitum? Is it…

1. Enlightened?
2. Obnoxious?
3. Open minded?
4. Obtuse?

Question 8: Before the advent of amazing Big Data we were almost as dumb as rocks, however what archaic artefactual gadget did we have at our disposal to help us to formulate strategy? Was it…

1. A crystal ball?
2. A box of PG Tips?
3. A kit for the casting of sortes?
4. A data warehouse?

Question 9: Big Data analytics are famous and notorious for the inherent capability that they are gifted with. Nothing else surpasses the inherent amazing magic of being able to spot emerging viral socially-mobile content even before it its creation – ney, even before it has been thought of – than Big Data science. But, joviality aside, who was the first person to go viral with that astonishingly famous Brit Pop anthem ‘Greensleeves’? Was it…

1. Oasis?
2. Justin Beaver?
3. Henry Tudor?
4. Lucky Charms?

Question 10: Many people talk about the highest value of Big Data being the gold standard, but what is the generally accepted principle of Big Data? Is it…

1. From each according to their ability to engage with brands, from each according to their ability to pay for crap they don’t need, and even less understand?
2. The meek shall inherit the world of social media, but the rich shall inherit all the Big Data rights?
3. It is not the consciousness of the brand-botherer that determines their social-media existence but their social-media existence that determines their consciousness?
4. It doesn’t matter how much Big Data one has, it never seems to be enough?

Question 11: According to an unverified and unofficial UN report, wrongly ascribed to the UNFCCC, what Big Data app has created the most benefit for humankind? Is it…

1. Identifying playful kittens in YouTube videos?
2. The ‘Help yourself to our money’ app?
3. The Big Data Contrarians quiz?
4. The app that drowns micro-nations in the watery care, sentimentality and love of the empathic first world?

Question 12: It is clearly obvious to the trained eye that Big Data contains nuggets of 24 karat gold, but what data has the highest content value of all? Is it…

1. Social media chit-chat?
2. Web logs of inter-species brand engagement?
3. Operational databases? (Boo! Down with the data aristos!)
4. WikiLeaks and Snowden leaks?

Question 13: Using Big Data and a graph model database engine a group of fervent and disinterested Data Sciences were able to uncover previously hidden geo-political connections between insignificant leaders and their roles and responsibilities in ‘difficult times’. Who were those enigmatic leaders? Were they…

1. The painter and decorator, the ice cream vendor and the pint-sized fascist with the squeaky voice?
2. Itchy, Scratchy and Tom & Jerry?
3. JR, Bobby and Pame?
4. Dubya, Tony and Josemar?

Question 14: Data Scientists have proved time and time again that Big Data can be turned into amazing 24 karat Big Gold, but how is this achieved? Is it with…

1. High-mass and transubstantiation?
2. Alchemy?
3. A proletarian revolution?
4. Class A drugs?

Question 15: As we all know, Statistics is an artificial movement of belligerent troublemakers specifically created as a reactionary counter-movement to the eminently respectable field of Data Science and the Gentlemen Amateur Data Scientists exercising their favourite hobby within it. In which country did the anarchical group of Statisticians first raise their banner? Was it in…

1. England?
2. France?
3. Switzerland?
4. Canada?

Question 16: Apart from curing the incurable, creating strategies to end world hunger and fixing the common cold, what other feat of massive Noble inspired awesomeness has Big Data also been responsible for? Is it…

1. Non-violence. Bringing about world peace?
2. Reducing the production and emission of CO2 and equivalent gasses into the atmosphere to acceptable levels that can be monitored and validated by the UNFCCC?
3. Helping to shift valuable and necessary resources to any part of the world where they are most needed?
4. Something else. Solving the critical world shortage of amazingly cheap crap that no-one really wants or needs or can even use for any productive purpose?

Question 17: Who is rightly (or wrongly) attributed as saying “Big Data is negative and dialectical, because it resolves the determinations of the understanding of things into nothings”? Was it…

1. Thomas Davenport?
2. Benny Hill?
3. Dawn French?
4. Georg Hegel?

Question 18: If Big Data was cuisine, in what type of restaurant could you quite possibly find it on offer? Is it…

1. Restaurante Martín Berasategui in Lasarte-Oria?
2. At the Hard Rock Café?
3. In it an ‘all the fast-food you can lift’ free buffet?
4. At a themed eatery designed along the lines of La Grande Bouffe?

Question 19: Regardless of the actual outcomes, what is the most common anti-business business imperative for embracing Big Data technologies? Is it…

1. Fear?
2. Uncertainty?
3. Doubt?
4. Emotional blackmail?

Question 20: Forget amazing Big Data for one moment. When considering a capital IT purchase, whom do you suspect the least? Is it…

1. The manufacturer?
2. The provider?
3. Industry pundits?
4. Your Mom?

How to calculate your score?

Loosely speaking, and seen in the grand scheme of things, there aren’t any right and wrong answers in this quiz. Gain maximum points by simply contemplating a question or two. If you did more than that, then consider it a ‘more perfect’ result.

That’s Big Data for you…

Many thanks for reading.

 If you enjoy this piece or find it useful then please consider joining The Big Data Contrarians: https://www.linkedin.com/grp/home?gid=8338976

Many thanks, Martyn.